Four Ways to Develop More Secure Romantic Attachments
Your style of attachment plays a big part in the quality and longevity of your romantic relationships. The more secure you are in attachment to your partner, the happier and more content you will be. Attachment has to do with your perception of safety in the relationship and the patterns of relating you anticipate. As this is often a subconscious process, you may be unaware of your style of attachment.
It is often only when a relationship hits conflict or difficulty that partners begin to see the patterns of their behaviour and identify insecurities. Whether you suspect you might tend towards insecurity in attachment or not, these four tips can elevate the success and satisfaction of your romantic relationships.
1. Improve your nonverbal communication skills.
Even though you may not be aware of it when you interact with others, you give and receive wordless signals. These could be gestures you make, your posture, eye contact, body language and facial expressions. Even the way you dress sends signals to others. These cues send strong messages to others about what you really feel. Learning to improve these skills involves being present in the moment, understanding your own stress, and looking for the signs of distress in your body. Developing emotional awareness in this way helps you to regulate and adjust your internal experience for effective nonverbal communication. Practice mindful thinking and consider starting a journal.
2. Boost your emotional intelligence
As well as helping to improve how you read and use nonverbal communication, building emotional intelligence can help strengthen a romantic relationship. Learn to understand your emotions, and how to control them better. Learn to express your needs and feelings without aggression, and to practice active listening to understand how your partner is feeling. Use this to recover from stress and this to identify emotions.
3. Develop relationships with people who are securely attached.
Studies show that the most effective way for insecurely attached adults to develop secure connections is in a relationship with somebody who is securely attached. A strong supportive relationship with someone who makes you feel loved plays an important part in building a sense of security.
Learn to identify the behaviours that signify secure attachments and look for these in a romantic partner. Be honest with where your patterns of behaviour can be unhealthy and talk openly with your partner about how this impacts your connection.
4. Resolve childhood trauma.
Childhood trauma can result from anything that impacts your sense of safety. Experiences like separation from your primary caregiver, an unstable home environment, or neglect or abuse fall into the category of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). ACEs can all contribute to the development of complex PTSD. When childhood trauma is not resolved, feelings of insecurity, helplessness, fear and anxiety can continue into adulthood. Even if your trauma happened many years ago, there are steps you can take to overcome the pain and regain your emotional balance. Take a look at my Stronger School course for tools that address and resolve childhood trauma.
If you’re struggling with attachment, some or all of these solutions may seem beyond your reach - too different to your experience to even imagine, I want you to know that that’s okay. That’s why I’m here. For help identifying your attachment style and resolving any attachment difficulties you may be facing, book a free exploratory chat.