What Is Attachment?
Pioneering British psychiatrist John Bowlby defined attachments as a bond or connection every infant forms with their primary caregiver. He describes this bond as the foundation to subsequent bonds right through to adulthood. The ideal bond an infant can form with their caretaker is to feel safe and understood, and to have their needs met consistently. Responsive caregiving that takes its cues from an infant's cries or communication is more likely to make the infant feel secure. If a secure attachment is developed with a primary caregiver, this translates to confident, trusting and hopeful adults, able to create other secure attachments.
Bowlby identified that if an infant experiences confusing, frightening or inconsistent emotional communication from their caretaking adults, they often form insecure attachments. These he divided into two types.
Insecure attachments
Firstly, avoidant attachment. An infant who depended on his own ability to self soothe to gain comfort learned to avoid connection with others. This child becomes an adult who finds it difficult to make secure bonds and can be perceived as distant. Someone who finds commitment challenging.
In contrast, anxious attachment with caregivers may produce children who are clingy, fearful and easily upset. These children would go on to form adult relationships where neediness or clinginess are features, and where manipulation, excessive control or jealous behaviours may develop.
While attachment styles are largely shaped by the infant- primary caregiver connection, the strength of attachment is not based solely on the level of parental love or the quality of care an infant receives. Rather, it's founded in the nonverbal emotional communication developed between caregiver and infant. It is also not impacted by socio economic factors, nor is having an insecure attachment style, a reason to blame relationship problems on your parents. Your personality and intervening experiences in adolescence and adult life can also play a role in shaping your attachment style.
Identifying your own attachment style
We see most clearly the attachment style we have developed by the behaviour exhibited in a relationship, especially when that relationship is threatened.
For example, someone with a secure attachment style may be able to share their feelings openly and seek support when faced with relationship problems. Those with insecure relationship attachment styles may behave in selfish or manipulative ways when feeling vulnerable, and become clingy or needy in their closest relationships. Or they may shy away from intimacy altogether.
Understanding how your attachment style shapes and influences your relationships helps you make sense of your own behaviour, how you perceive your partner, and how you respond to intimacy.
Getting help for attachment issues
If you recognise an insecure attachment style in yourself or your partner, it's important to know that it doesn't need to stay this way. It's possible to change your style of attachment. You can develop a more secure attachment style in the future. Therapy can be invaluable in growing secure attachments. Whether it's one-to-one with a therapist, or with your current partner in couples coaching, a good therapist can help you make sense of your past emotional experiences, become more secure, and relate better to each other as a couple.
To understand you or your partner’s attachment styles better and to get help with your relationship, book a free consultation with Naomi.