How do I know when it’s time to get help?
It can be a quiet, nagging thought that appears after yet another difficult conversation. Or a loud, panicked feeling in the middle of the night. “Should we get some help?”
Deciding to let someone else in on your relationship struggles takes huge courage. Many people I see in my practice tell me they wondered for months, or even years, if their problems were “bad enough” for therapy. They worried it was an admission of failure. Even more people tell me they wish they had sought help sooner as it would have saved them years of heartache.
Let me be clear: seeking support is not a sign that your relationship has failed. It’s a sign that you care enough to fight for it.
But how do you know if now is the right time? While there’s no single answer, there are a few common signs that suggest it could be time to reach out.
1. You’re Stuck on a Repeating Loop
Does this sound familiar? You have a disagreement about something small – who is tidying the kitchen, or being five minutes late. Suddenly, you’re not talking about the kitchen anymore. You’re in the same argument you’ve had a hundred times before. One of you might get angry and loud; the other might get quiet and withdraw. You both know the script by heart, and you both know how it ends: with you feeling distant, hurt, and misunderstood.
When you’re stuck in a repeating loop of difficulty, it drains the energy and hope from your relationship. A therapist can help you press pause on the loop and understand why it keeps happening, so you can finally write a new ending.
2. You’re in a Crisis
A crisis is a sudden, major event that shatters your sense of safety and trust. This is often the discovery of an affair, but it can also be a big betrayal, a secret debt, or a devastating loss.
When a crisis hits, you are in survival mode. The pain can be overwhelming, and it’s almost impossible to navigate it on your own. This is the time when you need a calm, steady guide. Think of it as relationship A&E. A therapist provides a safe space to stop the bleeding, manage the immediate pain, and figure out the next steps, whatever they may be.
3. The Negative Experiences Outweigh the Positive
Think of your relationship as having an emotional bank account. Every time you share a laugh, give a hug, pay a compliment, or feel understood, you make a deposit. Every time you have a row, feel dismissed, or sit in stony silence, you make a withdrawal.
For a relationship to feel happy and secure, the science tells us we need to be making far more deposits than withdrawals. If you like numbers, then according to the research, this ratio should be no less then 5:1 and ideally 10:1. If you look back on your last month and realise your account is nearly empty – that the moments of sadness, anger, or distance far outnumber the moments of joy and connection – it’s a clear sign that the balance is wrong. Therapy can redress the balance.
It’s Not Always About Problems
Sometimes, the best time to get support is not when things are going wrong, but when you’re facing a big change. Times of transition can put even the strongest couples under stress. This could be:
Having your first child
Blending two families together
Moving area or career changes
Kids leaving home or retirement
Over the lifetime of your relationship, you need to adapt to different seasons and challenges. Sometimes your relationship may need to reinvent itself to handle the demands of the new chapter. Therapy can give you the space to process these changes together.
Remember, 'Help' Comes in Many Forms
Couples therapy isn't for everyone, and it's not the only option. Help can look like reading a book about relationships together, attending a workshop, or starting with couples coaching to build new skills. For some, individual therapy is the right first step.
The most important thing is to listen to that nagging voice. It’s telling you that you deserve to feel happy, safe, and connected. Reaching out, in whatever form, is the first step towards that.
Warmly,
P.S I have just opened 3 spaces for couples therapy. If you would like to talk to me about getting help for your relationship you can book an exploration call here.
