A Friend’s Marriage Crisis
There are few moments in life as profoundly unsettling as watching a relationship you deeply care about begin to unravel. I felt it recently when one of my friends called me to say she was separating from her partner of nearly 2 decades. They had been unhappy for a while. I had been praying and hoping for reconciliation. It didn’t come.
What do you do in moment like that?
What are you supposed to feel?
My own instinct, like yours might be, was to fix it. To jump in with solutions. I have read a lot of books and know a lot of relationship tools. But then I caught myself “Naomi, she is not your client. She is your friend and what she needs right now is a true friend.”
So I thought about what a true friend is (and is not) and what they do to be true to the friendship. Here is my list of the best things I know. You can add your comments at the bottom of anything I missed.
Knowing Your Personal Limits: You Are Not Their Therapist (Or Their Lawyer)
Firstly, and crucially, you must remember your role. You are a friend, a family member, a compassionate human being. You are not their therapist, their mediator, or their legal counsel. You cannot bear the full emotional weight of their relationship breakdown, nor are you equipped to provide the professional guidance they need. Trying to step into these roles can inadvertently make things worse.
As human beings, our brains are wired to solve problems. When we see someone we care about in pain, our innate attachment system drives us to reduce that distress. But for complex marital breakdown, problem-solving is a professional skill. Recognise your personal limits. Supporting someone through this is emotionally draining, and if you find yourself overwhelmed it’s vital to acknowledge that. It’s okay to step back, to offer what you can without sacrificing your own mental health. Suggesting professional help for them is not a failure on your part; it’s an act of wisdom and love.
Being Informed, Not Being the Expert
While you shouldn't become their legal advisor or emotional saviour, being generally informed about the landscape of support can be incredibly helpful. This doesn't mean Googling divorce law for them, but understanding the types of professional support available:
Therapy: Individual or couples therapy offers a safe, confidential space to explore complex feelings, understand underlying dynamics, communicate effectively (even amidst crisis), or process grief. Research consistently shows therapy, can significantly help couples navigate distress and find resolution, whether together or apart.
Mediation: For those seeking an amicable separation, mediation provides a neutral third party to guide discussions about practicalities like finances, children, and property, helping to reduce conflict.
Legal Advice: At some point, objective legal advice will almost certainly be necessary, and you can gently encourage them to seek this early to understand their rights and options.
Your role here is to signpost, not to provide the service. Simple, open-ended questions like, "Have you thought about speaking to a mediator?" or "Perhaps a few sessions with a therapist could help you gain some clarity?" are powerful prompts, gentle nudges towards the expert help they need.
Resisting the Tug-of-War: Don't Become Embroiled
This is perhaps the hardest part, and believe me, it requires immense emotional discipline. When emotions run high, it’s easy to get pulled into the drama. Resist this urge.
Avoid Taking Sides: Even if one partner seems to be the "victim" and the other the "villain" in your friend's narrative, your role is not to judge. Taking a side alienates the other person and can actually prolong the conflict. Assigning blame rarely solves complex relational problems. Your friend needs a sounding board, not an echo chamber of their pain or anger.
Don't Become the Messenger: Refuse to relay messages between the couple. This undermines their communication (or lack thereof) and places you squarely, and unhelpfully, in the middle of their conflict. It creates what we call a 'triangle,' which often stabilises the dysfunction rather than resolving it.
Steer Clear of Arguments: If your friend starts recounting every painful argument detail, listen empathetically, but gently pivot the conversation back to their feelings and needs, rather than the blow-by-blow of the conflict. "That sounds incredibly painful. How are you feeling about it right now? What do you need in this moment?"
Confidentiality is Key (Especially if you know both partners): If you're friends with both partners, be transparent that you cannot hold secrets for one against the other. Your loyalty is to the integrity of your friendship relationship with each individual, not to the marital conflict itself. This can be awkward, but it's essential for maintaining trust and clear boundaries.
Your neutrality, coupled with your empathy, is your greatest asset. It allows you to remain a stable, safe presence. A true friend.
The Art of Positive and Empathic Support
So, if you're not fixing, judging, or mediating, what can you do?
Listen, Truly Listen: Offer a space where they can simply vent, cry, and share their raw emotions. Sometimes, all someone needs is to be heard and witnessed in their pain. This act of active listening and presence is profoundly healing.
Validate Their Feelings: Instead of saying, "You should do X," try, "I hear how incredibly sad/angry/confused you are, and that makes perfect sense given what you're going through." Acknowledging and validating their emotional experience ("That's a really tough spot to be in, and it's understandable you feel that way") is powerful and helps them regulate their emotions.
Offer Practical, Tangible Support: Can you help with childcare for an hour so they can think? Bring over a home-cooked meal? Offer to help them research a qualified therapist or mediator? Practical, tangible acts of kindness can be far more valuable than words. This kind of concrete support reduces their practical burden, freeing up mental space.
Reinforce Their Agency: Remind them that they have choices, even when they feel powerless. Empower them to seek professional advice and to make decisions that are right for them, not decisions made to please you or anyone else.
Hold Space for Ambivalence: This one is perhaps the hardest of them all. Because we usually avoid confusing contradictions. People contemplating separation or divorce often feel conflicted – a mix of intense pain, anger, enduring love, and hope. Allow them to express both their desire to leave and their lingering affection or hope, without pushing them in one direction or the other. This ambivalence is normal and part of the process.
Hope and the Horizon of Change
While the immediate landscape might seem bleak, remember that every ending is also a beginning. This period of intense sadness and disruption can ultimately be a catalyst for personal growth and the creation of a life more aligned with individual needs. Just as a forest fire clears ground for new growth, endings can pave the way for transformation.
For your friend or family member, this change, however painful, holds the promise of new possibilities: rediscovered self-worth, healthier relationships in the future, and a life built on clarity rather than lingering ambivalence. Your role, is to help them weather the storm, to hold realistic hope for their future, and to gently remind them that even through profound endings, new, sometimes brighter, horizons eventually emerge.
with love and empowerment,
