From Conflict to Connection: Sarah and Tom's Journey with Terry Real's Grid
We know how to identify our dominant ‘losing relational strategy’ thanks to Terry Real’s Relationship Grid (check out my first post if you don’t know what I am talking about).
Terry Real’s Relationship Grid
The Relationship Dance: "The More The More"
Of course, in a relationship, there can be two losing strategies that painfully collide as is the case with a couple I worked with (let’s call them Sarah and Tom). Problems can quickly escalate into full-blown rows as one losing strategy triggers another losing strategy and each partner doubles down on their reactions. In couples therapy we call this pattern ‘the more, the more’.
The more they are silent, the more their partner becomes hypervigilant for signs of criticism
The more she uses put-downs, the more her partner withdraws
The more he feels hopeless about the relationship, the more his partner complains that they aren’t compatible
And so on and so on.
Breaking the Cycle: Stepping Off the Dance
The good news? You can change the pattern between you by changing your own reaction. This means recognising your ‘Adaptive Child’ state and intentionally choosing your ‘Functional Adult.’ This practice of relational mindfulness involves noticing your automatic ‘whoosh’ (fight, flight, or fix) and choosing a different, more skillful response.
Pulling yourself back into the ‘Circle of Health’ – returning to healthy self-esteem (I am as worthy as you are) and healthy boundaries (Connected & Protected) – is how you shift your stance. As you change, your partner often responds in kind. This builds healthy self-esteem muscles and boundary skills over time. Remember; it's a practice, not a quick fix.
Meet Sarah and Tom
When I met Sarah and Tom, they had a very well-rehearsed 'the more, the more' interaction. They never deviated from their roles.
Sarah, often 'One Up and Walled Off,' would meet conflict with criticism and emotional distance. Tom, in turn, retreated into 'Boundaryless and One Down,' becoming placating and apologetic or stuttering and tripping over his words. This familiar dance left Sarah isolated and Tom resentful – a painful disconnect where neither truly thrived.
Consider a simple forgotten task. For Sarah, it triggered a rush of frustration: "He's so unreliable!" Her immediate response? A cutting remark like, "Honestly, Tom, you always do this. It's hopeless." She’d then emotionally withdraw, arms folded and lips pressed together.
Tom's reaction was a wave of shame and panic. He would first try to apologise: "I'm so sorry, you are right. I am an idiot". Fear would hijack his brain and he found getting words out difficult. He would start to stutter and mumble. This often confirmed Sarah's view of him as incompetent, leading to unspoken criticism and a bigger divide between them.
Their Breakthrough: Stepping into the Circle of Health
Their turning point came when we worked through the relationship grid. The realisation dawned: ‘our painful patterns aren't inevitable; they are habits we can consciously change’.
I explained the concept of relational mindfulness and how it would take consistent effort and intentional rewiring of their brains through repetition to form new habits. Both partners expressed their desire not to repeat the old ways, especially as Sarah and Tom’s two children, now 8 and 10, were replaying their behaviours.
Here's how Sarah and Tom began to rewire their relationship:
Naming the Dance: They first identified their typical positions on the grid during conflict: Sarah's 'One Up/Walled Off' and Tom's 'Boundaryless/One Down.' Seeing this "choreography" was the first step toward changing it.
Cultivating 'Second Consciousness': They learned to pause. Instead of reacting instinctively to their initial "whoosh" (Sarah's contempt, Tom's shame), they created a crucial gap to choose a different, more skilful response. They committed to taking more pauses, more breaths, and checking in with themselves and each other in moments of stress and tension.
Centering the Functional Adult: When triggered, they practiced grounding themselves through mindful affirmation and small physical shifts, ensuring they engaged from a place of calm readiness, not reactivity.
Individual Shifts: Sarah's Walls and Tom's Boundaries
Sarah's Path: She focused on dismantling her 'Walled Off' and 'One Up' tendencies.
Dropping the Wall: She consciously resisted withdrawing, even when the urge was strong, prioritising connection. She learned to tell Tom “I want to walk off right now, but I am choosing to stay here even if it’s for five minutes more”
Containing Criticism: Sarah reined in biting remarks, understanding that her anxiety didn't justify lashing out.
Responding with Generosity: She learned to acknowledge Tom's efforts and receive his positive gestures, fostering an atmosphere of mutual appreciation.
Tom's Path: He worked on building healthy boundaries and self-worth.
Developing Protective Boundaries: Tom learned to filter Sarah's criticism. If her opinions felt harsh and condemning, he let them bounce off his boundary, reminding himself: 'That's her experience, not the whole truth about me. If she wants to challenge me with love, she can do that. This is criticism'.
Standing Up (Responsibly): Moving beyond placating, Tom practiced assertive communication from his functional adult. He dared to express his needs and feelings respectfully, overcoming his deep-seated fear of being unlovable. As he found confidence in speaking up his stutter evaporated.
Coming Up from 'One Down': Tom cultivated self-esteem, embracing the mantra "I'm enough and I matter," recognizing that self-worth is an active practice.
Reshaping Communication: The Feedback Wheel
Instead of escalating or retreating, Sarah and Tom adopted a structured way to voice complaints: the Feedback Wheel. They practiced its four clear steps:
What happened: Stating observable facts ("Last night, you came home an hour later than you said").
What I made up about it: Sharing their subjective interpretation, owning it as their story ("What I made up was that your time isn't a priority, and you don't respect mine").
How I feel about it: Expressing core feelings (hurt, fear, anger), often pushing past surface emotions.
What I'd like: Clearly stating a behavioral request for repair or future change.
Deep Listening and Cherishing
When one partner used the Feedback Wheel, the other practiced listening to understand, setting aside their own viewpoint. Their goal was to grasp the speaker's experience, reflecting back what they heard ("So, what I hear you saying is...").
They also made a conscious effort to cherish each other and their relationship, noticing positive changes, giving positive feedback for small steps, and making dedicated time for connection beyond logistics.
The Transformation
Through consistent practice, Sarah and Tom moved from their isolated corners of the grid toward the Circle of Health. Sarah discovered vulnerability brought connection, not weakness. Tom learned that healthy boundaries earned respect, not rejection. Their relationship transformed from a battleground into a place of fierce intimacy, built on truth, courage, and continuous growth.
Ready to transform your own relationship dynamics?
You may not recognise yourself in either Tom or Sarah’s journey towards healthy relating, but all of us can work at being more mindful.
What is one key area of health that you want to practice?
What are the ‘triggering’ situations that cause your adaptive child to wade into the fray?
Which of the steps Sarah and Tom took resonates most with you?
What's one small change you could make today?
For more tools and tips on communicating healthily with your partner grab my resource called Talking It Out: A Roadmap for Healthy Conflict.
If you have a question or suggestion for the blog please let me know your thoughts at hello@naomilight.com.
with love and empowerment,
Naomi
