I am suffering from a disease…..perhaps you are too?
Maybe it’s because the school holidays have arrived and the evenings are long and sunny, or maybe it's because my subconscious mind is trying to get my attention. But as I sat down to write this article, I just couldn’t get away from this thought: "Hurry stops us really connecting."
Don't you think the pace of things has reached a crazy-making speed? I mean, we know modern life is frantic, but it just keeps getting frantic-er and frantic-er, doesn't it? As a generation of emotionally connected, soulful people, this pace clashes with our values for deep connection.
Okay... my pace clashes with my values for deep connection.
There.
I said it.
I have hurry sickness.
Maybe you have it too? That internal motor stuck on a high rev count, endless to-do lists, millions of notifications, sped-up interactions, caffeine-fuelled days, and crashing hard at the weekend. It's what happens when our lives become perfectly designed not for connection, but for constant motion.
It’s like the proverb about the Mexican fisherman:
An American banker saw a Mexican fisherman with a small catch. The banker asked why he didn't stay out longer for more fish. "I have enough for my family's immediate needs," the fisherman replied. "What do you do with the rest of your time?" asked the banker.
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, sip wine, and play guitar with my friends. I have a full life."
The banker scoffed, "I'm a Harvard MBA. You should fish more, buy bigger boats, eventually a fleet. Control processing, move to big cities, and in 15-20 years, sell your company for millions!"
"Millions – then what?" asked the fisherman.
The banker chuckled, "Then you'd retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you could sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, sip wine, and play your guitar with your friends."
Do you recognise yourself in the banker? Scary huh!?
Ask yourself: 'Where did I learn to be in such a hurry?'
The Problem with Hurry
Every single one of my worst moments as a partner (and also as a parent!) – the critical snap, the simmering tension, the impatient sigh, the quick defensive retort, or the distraction and avoiding behaviours – almost always stem from being caught in the frantic current of hurry. When I’m late for an appointment, behind on an impossible to-do list, or trying to squeeze too much into one day, my nervous system is screaming 'fight or flight.' And love, real, deep, soulful love, cannot coexist with 'fight or flight.'
Perhaps you’re nodding, a heavy weight settling in your chest. Maybe you’re thinking, "But Naomi, you don't understand my life! I work a 60-hour week just to keep my business afloat. My three-year-old hasn't slept through the night in months. I'm battling chronic fatigue. I'm offshore for eight months a year."
And you are absolutely right. I don’t understand your specific, unique crucible of challenges. You may indeed be in a genuine survival season, a time where relationship depth, heartbreakingly, takes a backseat. And if that's your truth, my heart goes out to you. Acknowledge it, honour it.
But if you have the space to breathe and read this newsletter right now, then you also have the power to examine a profound truth: hurry and love are incompatible.
This is the uncomfortable truth, the core of our problem.
Hurry and love cannot coexist.
Love demands presence, patience, tenderness, and spaciousness. Hurry demands efficiency, speed, and constant forward motion. When we are consumed by hurry, we ooze anger, tension, and a critical nagging tone – the exact opposite of the open-heartedness love requires.
Think of your last argument with your partner. Were you both exhausted, stretched thin, trying to squeeze in one more thing? The frantic hurry that underlies our busyness often creates a pressure cooker, turning minor disagreements into explosions, and quiet moments into missed opportunities. It's an unnamed force robbing the depth and joy from our relationships.
Slowing down isn't just "good for our health"; it’s essential for our relationships. But it's profoundly challenging. We're wired for speed, addicted to urgency. Our current 'system' – our chosen daily lifestyle, our subconscious defaults – is perfectly calibrated to give us exactly what we're getting. If your connection runs on fumes, if date nights are a forgotten myth, if intimacy feels like an impossible luxury, then your system is designed to keep it that way.
But here’s the inspiring, liberating truth: Change the system, change the results. If you crave a different outcome for your marriage, you must bravely, consciously redesign how your daily life is built.
5 Ideas for Reducing Hurry
Conduct a 'Sacred Schedule Audit' – Together: Sit down with your partner and literally look at your weekly schedules. Highlight every non-negotiable. Then, identify where the 'hurry' creeps in. Are you overcommitted? Are there activities you can genuinely say 'no' to, or delegate? Ruthlessly protect pockets of time for your relationship, labelling them as 'sacred.' This isn't just about managing time; it's about aligning your shared values with your actual lived experience.
Master the Art of 'Intentional Re-entry': We often rush from work or obligations straight into the home, bringing our frantic energy with us. This 'spillover' is toxic for intimacy. Create a simple, 5-minute ritual before you fully engage with your partner after being apart. This might be listening to a calming song, a moment of deep breathing, or even just sitting quietly for a moment to shift gears. This brief pause helps you shed the 'hurry' and step into your relationship with presence.
Prioritise Micro-Moments of Connection: In a busy life, grand gestures are rare. Instead, lean into the power of small, consistent 'bids for connection' (as Dr. Gottman calls them). A hand on their back as you pass, a genuine compliment, a shared smile over a quiet cuppa, a brief 'thinking of you' text during the day. These tiny, frequent deposits into your emotional bank account build resilience against hurry's erosion.
Embrace the Principle of 'Under-Scheduling': We've been taught to fill every spare moment. Combat this by deliberately scheduling 'white space' – empty blocks in your calendar. Resist the urge to fill them! This creates literal breathing room, reducing the pressure cooker effect and allowing for spontaneity, rest, or simply 'being' together without an agenda. This margin is where true connection often unexpectedly flourishes.
Draft a 'Digital Presence Contract' as a Couple: Our devices are a major source of hurry and distraction. Work together to create clear, compassionate agreements around screen time. For example: "No phones at the dinner table," "Devices off 30 minutes before bed," or "Dedicated phone-free hour each evening." This isn't about control, but about consciously protecting your shared mental and emotional space from constant digital demands.
I know hurry sickness is an epidemic and we are all infected, but I for one, am calling myself out on my addiction to speed. It’s just not sustainable, not if I want to enjoy my husband and for him to enjoy me.
So this summer, I am taking my own advice and s l o w i n g d o w n.........
So if it’s quiet around here, you will know why!
Naomi x
