Understanding Self-Esteem and Boundaries with the Relationship Grid
It took me until I was in my 20’s and married with kids before I ever heard the phrase 'boundaries in relationships’. A friend of mine was describing the classic book Boundaries by Drs Cloud and Townsend. To me, up until that point, boundaries only referred to something physical like a fence. So this book and the whole idea of psychological boundaries was a brave new world back then!
Thankfully my kids are growing up more enlightened than I was. My 11-year-old come home from a wellness lesson at school recently saying "mummy I don't tolerate any meanness in my relationships. From girls or boys!". You go girl!!
It turns out that it's impossible to live healthily in a relationship without considering your own boundaries and those of your partner. (My 11 year old can tell you that!) And then having considered them you need to work to maintain and adapt those boundaries the whole course of your relationship. In short; relationship boundaries are hard work!
But I am about to give you a hand with this thanks to the work of Terry Real. Terry is an internationally recognised family therapist and founder of Relational life Therapy. He is known for his groundbreaking work on male depression and the impact of trauma on relationships.
I think you are going to love his relationship grid.
Let’s dive into concept 1:
See how boundaries are on an axis from ‘too much’ (walled off) to ‘too little’ (boundaryless). Overdo your boundaries, and no one can get close to you. Have too few boundaries, and you become a doormat. Healthy is somewhere in the middle.
Next, here is concept 2:
Self-esteem can be thought of on an axis too. Too much self-esteem (grandiose) and you become something of a narcissist and act like a tyrant to those around you. Too little self esteem and you become a worm.
Easy! Now have ourselves a grid with two lines and four quadrants:
Next we are going to work to identify your position on the grid.
But first I want you to make a promise. Say after me: "Naomi, I promise not to use this grid as proof of my worst fears about my partner. I won’t attempt to diagnose my partner with the grid".
As tempting as it is, please don't go home and call your partner a ‘grandiose/boundaryless so-and-so’. I did warn you!
Which quadrant best describes you (on your worst day!)
Think about your intimate relationship, or the most recent one you had if you are single. Some days you may demonstrate all four quadrants of unhealthy relating in one go, if you are like me that is! But in order for you to identify actionable change we need to identify your main unhealthy response. Where do you tend to go when the chips are down? If you are backed into a corner do you get angry and lash out or do you withdraw and feel misunderstood? Are you more likely to plead for your partner to be nice or will you silently punish them for their misdemeanour?
Self-Esteem
Let’s start with health, right in the middle of the grid. When you're in this space, you believe you are inherently worthy of love and respect, a foundational element for both giving and receiving intimacy.
However, our ‘Adaptive Chil’ state, a concept in Relational Life Therapy referring to our learned childhood coping mechanisms, often pushes us away from this healthy center.
Below the health position lies the ‘one down’ position, deeply rooted in shame. This is where you feel inferior, unlovable, or fundamentally flawed. Shame, in this context, is internalized contempt – a harsh judgment directed inward. When operating from a one down position, you might struggle to receive intimacy because you don't believe you deserve it.
Above centre is the ‘one up’ position, characterised by grandiosity. Here, you look down on others, feel entitled, or have a constant need to be right or better than your partner. Grandiosity is often the flip side of shame – contempt directed outwards. It's a defense mechanism, a way to avoid feeling the vulnerability of being one down. When grandiose, authentic connection is difficult because you're more focused on maintaining a position of superiority rather than genuine relating.
It's crucial to emphasise that both shame and grandiosity are often triggered responses from your adaptive child. You wern’t born ashamed or grandiose, but along the way you found these attitudes worked for getting you what you needed.
Until they didn’t.
As my clinical supervisor would say “you came about that honestly”.
The Horizontal Axis: Boundaries
The horizontal line of the grid represents boundaries. Boundaries are a dual skill: an internal "self-skill" (what happens within your skin, e.g I will resist shouting expletives at my partner, I will limit the amount of social media I consume today) and an interpersonal skill (how you interact between you and another e.g. I will stand up to you if you try to belittle me).
The healthy center of this axis signifies being connected and protected simultaneously. This means you are open to intimacy and closeness while also maintaining your sense of self, personal integrity, and safety.
To the right of the center is being boundaryless. This describes a state of being too open, unprotected, or excessively dependent on others' opinions or approval. Here, the external boundary is weak, allowing too much in – you might absorb other people's emotions, opinions, or demands without filtering them. This can manifest as people-pleasing or a lack of personal agency.
To the left of the center is being walled off. This describes a state of being disengaged, disconnected, shut down, or unresponsive. This relates to the internal boundary being too rigid (walled-in, preventing you from sharing your authentic self) or the external boundary being unreceptive (walled-off, blocking out external input). These walls can be built from anger, silence, or even excessive verbal defenses.
The Four Quadrants Explained
Each quadrant is a mix of self-esteem and boundary issues, with its own energy:
Quadrant 1: One-Down & Boundaryless. This is the space of shame and dependency, fueled by desperation. Think people-pleasing and manipulative accommodation ("I'll do anything if you just love me!"). Your external boundaries are weak; you're an emotional sponge.
Quadrant 2: One-Up & Boundaryless. Here, grandiosity meets a lack of containment, driven by control and anger. This quadrant can involve demanding love ("Goddamn it, get over here and love me!") and verbal outbursts. Your containing boundaries are absent, spilling impulses onto your partner.
Quadrant 3: One-Down & Walled Off. This combines shame and resignation with disengagement, manifesting as depression and withdrawal. The silent message is often, "I don't deserve it, and it won't work anyway." You're walled in or unreceptive, pulling away from connection.
Quadrant 4: One-Up & Walled Off. Grandiosity and detachment define this quadrant, leading to meanness, indifference, or passive aggression. The unspoken message: "You're not worthy of my connection." You keep your inner world tightly guarded, both walled off and walled in.
Questions for Reflection
If the quadrant descriptions haven't fully illuminated where your Adaptive Child tends to go, these questions will offer more clarity.
Think of a recent difficult situation in your romantic relationship. Close your eyes and recall how you felt in the moment.
Now walk yourself through the situation being careful not to blame or attack your partner. Be a reporter describing the action as you saw it.
What set you up for this moment?
Examples: “It was the end of the day and we were both tired”, “I was stuck in traffic and going to be late”, “I was not paying attention to them”, “We had had a row the day before”
What happened for you?
Examples: “She looked at her phone. I felt ignored”, “He didn’t turn up when he said he would”, “They raised their voice”, “It was the thrid time that week I felt I had to make excuses for why they hadn't contributed”
What was the impact?
Examples: “I felt let down”, “I called them names”, “We stopped communicating”, “They got very angry”
What escalated the situation? Was there a specific trigger?
Examples: “I suddenly realised it was the same argument we have been having for months”, “I felt afraid we were going to break up”, “I shut down”, “I was confused and felt emotional”.
In the situation where did you go on the boundaries axis?
Examples: “Walled off; I withdrew”, “Walled off; I went into myself and got resentful”, “Walled off; I stormed off to my parents”, “Boundaryless; I felt bad and blamed myself for the whole thing”, Boundaryless; I was scared of their reaction and just tried to forget it happened”, “Boundaryless; I was really hurt but I minimised my feelings and did everything I could to please them”
In the situation where did you go on the self-esteem axis?
Examples: “One up; I criticised my partner for their attitude”, “One up; I got defensive and ignored my part in our repeating cycle”, “One down; I ruminated on how none of my relationships work out and felt depressed”, “One down; I felt excessively sorry for myself and eat half a tub of ice cream”
What does this say about my adaptive child behaviour?
Examples: “It feels safer to be in one up than in one down”, “I am not very good at enforcing healthy boundaries”, “Shame and inferiority is my weakness”.
Now I know where I go on the Relationship Grid, what next?
So, there you have it: Terry Real's powerful Relationship Grid. It’s an invaluable way to understand the impact of your adaptive child behaviour on your romantic relationship.
Remember, the goal here isn't to make ourselves feel rubbish. It's about gaining clarity and, most importantly, actionable steps for change.
Check out the next post in the series where I dive deeper into how to shift your position on the grid. I look at how you can begin to move from those reactive ‘Adaptive Child’ states into the empowered ‘Functional Adult’ who is your resident relational genius!
