Roadblocks to Romance: Tackling Challenges in Your Intimate Life
Photo Credits to Alex Green
Navigating Intimacy: Understanding Common Challenges in Long-Term Relationships
The world of sex in relationships can feel like a tangled mess of shoulds and shouldn'ts, can't it? It's easy to feel like there's some secret recipe for a sizzling sex life, and if you haven't found it, something's wrong. But the truth is, there's no one-size-fits-all answer. Just like there are no ‘standard’ couples with ‘standard relationships’.
*On a side note, I often get asked for the standard answer to couple problems. e.g., “How often is often enough?” “Do other couples struggle with jealousy?” “I don’t feel comfortable opening up….is that normal?”. It seems we all like to compare ourselves to the ideal.
To begin to untangle the particular muddle of your intimate life, I like to start with a single thread: “What are the roadblocks that are getting in the way of my sexual fulfilment?”. Because it's not about doing more or doing it ‘right’ but about noticing and carefully clearing away the things that are blocking the flow of intimacy.
This article is a menu of six of the more common roadblocks (in no particular order) along with some gentle nudges in the direction of moving through them.
Photo Credits Cotton Bro
1. That Feeling of Drifting Apart (Emotional Distance): You know how it goes in long-term relationships; life just sort of… happens. Slowly, sometimes without you even clocking it, you can start to feel like you're on different planets (Mars and Venus, maybe?). Perhaps you're not spending much time together, real conversation hasn’t happened in ages, and your interests seem to be pulling you in different directions. When that emotional link weakens, it's like trying to light a fire with damp kindling—intimacy just won't take. That feeling of truly being seen and understood? It's the bedrock of a decent sexual relationship. When it's missing, the vulnerability and trust you need for intimacy can just fade away. The good news is, you can find your way back to each other. It takes a bit of effort—making time for shared activities, really listening when your partner's talking, and letting them know you appreciate them in all the little ways. Ignoring this drift can leave you feeling like physical intimacy is just going through the motions because that heart connection just isn't there anymore. My go-to resource for this roadblock are the Gottman’s books: Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love and The 7 Day Love Prescription.
2. Our Amazing Bodies Changing (Physiological Changes): Our bodies are brilliant, but they also change as the years roll by. Hormones do their own thing—for women, menopause can bring lower estrogen and changes in desire and comfort, and for men, testosterone can gradually dip, affecting libido. Then there are things like aches and pains, health conditions, or even the side effects of certain medications that can throw a spanner in the works. The most crucial thing here is to be open and honest with each other about what's going on. Maybe traditional sex feels different now, and that's perfectly alright. It might be time to explore other ways of being intimate, to have a broader view of what pleasure means for you both. Don't be shy about having a word with your GP if you've got concerns. And remember, being sensual is about so much more than just intercourse—it's about touch, connection, and finding what feels good in your bodies, as they are now. If this one is a roadblock for you, then read my article Sex and the Seasons: Cultivating Intimacy in Long-term Love
3. When Your Desires Don't Quite Match Up (Discrepancies in Sexual Desire): This is a common one, and it can feel really isolating. It's completely normal for couples to have different levels of sexual desire at different times. Maybe one of you is stretched at work and has no energy for lovemaking, or perhaps staying home with the kids means you are overstimulated with touch and just want to be left alone. When the mismatch becomes a regular pattern, it can lead to hurt feelings on both sides—one person might feel rejected and unwanted, while the other might feel under pressure. The key here is communication. Get hold of the wonderful Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin. It is written for people who find it hard to talk about sex, even with the person who regularly sees you naked. Try to understand what's causing the difference in desire. Maybe it's stress; maybe it's something deeper. Explore ways to meet in the middle. Perhaps setting aside intimate time, exploring what truly gets each of your engines going (your "erotic blueprints"), or focusing on sensual touch that isn't always about sex can help bridge that gap and keep you connected. And please know, sometimes having a session with a therapist who specialises in sex and intimacy can give you both some really helpful tools and perspectives.
Photo Credits to Anntarazevich
4. When Sex becomes Boring (Domestic Familiarity): As the years go by, that initial excitement and mystery can naturally fade a bit. While feeling secure with someone is a lovely thing, a little sprinkle of something different can sometimes give desire a gentle nudge. But it's a delicate balance! The experts often say that chasing constant novelty just for the sake of it might be missing the point. That deep emotional connection, that feeling of truly being with someone, is often what sustains desire in the long run. So, the trick isn't about becoming someone else every night but about finding ways to keep that spark alive within the comfort of your intimacy. Esther Perel is a world expert on the erotic in relationships. Her book, Mating in Captivity is a fantastic read.
5. We have been Lied to about Sex (Societal Conditioning): And let's not forget all those ideas we carry around about what sex should be like; movies, magazines, even well-meaning friends can plant these expectations in our heads, and when reality doesn't match up, it can lead to disappointment and pressure. Opening up to a wider range of possibilities and letting go of those rigid beliefs can be so freeing. Emily Nagoski does a really good job of debunking society's myths in her book for women, Come as You Are. Reading it will make you feel good about your body.
6. Walking on Eggshells (Unresolved Conflict): Then there are those unresolved arguments, those little resentments that can simmer beneath the surface. Holding onto anger creates a barrier between you, and that often extends right into the bedroom. Even those seemingly small things, if they keep happening without being sorted out, can chip away at your connection. Sometimes, just taking a moment to say why something's bothering you can shift things from a stalemate to a moment of understanding. Download my resources on conflict if the eggshells in your home need dealing with; Conflict Rescue Pack and Talking It Out: A Roadmap for Healthy Conflict
And finally, please be kind to yourselves about the impact of everything else that's going on in your lives. Work stress, money worries, the beautiful chaos of raising kids—all of it can really drain your energy and your desire for intimacy. Parenthood, in particular, can be a real challenge for keeping that erotic connection alive. There are no silver bullets, but the first step is always understanding what your hurdles are. Once you can see them, you can start to gently find your way around them, towards a deeper, more fulfilling connection. Remember, you're not on your own in this, and there's always a path forward, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.
