Sex and the Seasons: Cultivating Intimacy in long-term Love
Photo Credits to Andrada Vintila
Have you noticed how spring is giving way to summer right now, at least here in the Northern Hemisphere? The days are getting longer, the trees are in full leaf, and the blooms are bursting with colour.
Have you noticed the seasons in your relationship too? Things are always evolving there as well. Often, we become so familiar with our routines with a partner or spouse that habits and automatic responses can creep in. Without conscious attention, these patterns can sometimes steer our relationship in unintended directions. Looking for those first signs of summer can be like observing the emerging stages of our love.
Take five minutes for this simple reflection exercise and consider these questions about the connection between you and your partner:
What have you been talking about lately?
How do you greet each other?
What's the pace of your life together like—slow and relaxed or hectic and rushed?
How current is your understanding of each other's needs and feelings?
What sensations do you notice in your body when you are close?
How much laughter fills your shared moments?
What are your current stress levels like? (Remember, sex can be a wonderful stress reliever!)
Is there anything you are eagerly anticipating together?
What plans are you making for the future?
What feels like it's changing in your dynamic?
What feels stuck or stagnant?
Sex isn't a stand-alone entity in a relationship. Perhaps it's a lingering effect from more prudish times, or maybe there's a biological aspect that links sex to feelings of shame. However, in my work, I often see that couples' sexuality, sensuality, and physical intimacy are underdeveloped. Unless there is significant and intentional effort, many of us (myself included) rarely realise the profound potential that the realm of sexuality has to offer our lives and relationships. As a therapist, this is an area I am truly passionate about and have been actively studying more deeply.
Every individual and every relationship is unique. No two sexual connections are exactly alike. But each of us is wonderfully made, and our sexuality is a gift to be enjoyed. When we begin with that belief, I wonder what we might notice as we pay closer attention to ourselves and our relationships?
Tuning In: Getting to Know Your Sensual Self
First things first: you are a sensual being! Getting to know what truly feels good for you is a cornerstone of a fulfilling sex life. As Esther Perel writes, "To experience desire is to own the wanting." It's about giving yourself permission to explore your physical sensations without any pressure for a specific outcome.
A super helpful little exercise is the "Turn Ons/Turn Offs" exploration. Grab a quiet moment and jot down things that awaken your sensual energy and things that shut it down. Notice this is all about you ("I turn myself on by/when…"). This isn't about what your partner does (yet!), but about your own unique landscape of pleasure.
And let's ditch the idea that sex is just about one thing. "Sex is a way to explore pleasure and connection through as much of ourselves as possible." Think bigger! Try asking yourself some "Erotic Questions" about the sensations themselves. What textures do you enjoy? What sounds? What kind of touch makes you tingle? This can really widen your sensory playground. Even bringing mindful awareness to everyday sensations, like really savouring your morning coffee or noticing the warmth of the sun on your skin, can heighten your overall sensual awareness.
Exploring Your Inner Landscape: Your Sexuality's Journey
We all have an "Erotic Blueprint" – a unique map of our sexual feelings and behaviours shaped by our personal history and experiences. Take some time to reflect on the messages you've received about love, pleasure, gender, and sexuality. You might be surprised by what you uncover!
The cool thing is, our sexuality isn't set in stone; it evolves as we do. Think back—how have your desires, comfort levels, and experiences changed over time? Asking yourself some gentle questions can be really insightful: "What do I love about my sex life right now?", "What parts of myself do I yearn to connect with sexually?", and "What's something I'd love to change or experience differently?".
Being honest with yourself—what we call ‘sexual candour with the self’ – is key. It's about acknowledging your longings, your struggles, and your desires without judgement.
Observing the Dance: The Rhythm of Your Relationship
Just like the tides, desire and connection in a relationship have their ebbs and flows. It's unrealistic to expect passion to be at the same peak all the time, and that's perfectly okay.
It's fascinating to observe the dance between emotional intimacy and sexual desire. For some, feeling emotionally close creates a safe and fertile ground for desire. But for others, too much togetherness can sometimes feel a bit like being trapped. Understanding this interplay in your own relationship is super helpful.
Pay attention to how you and your partner communicate. Is it mostly rehashing old stories (self-disclosure), or are you truly exploring your current feelings and thoughts together (self-revealing)? Notice how much ‘aliveness’ your conversations create. That spark often comes from that present, vulnerable connection.
A simple but powerful tool is keeping a journal. Just jotting down what you appreciate about your partner and something you'd love to connect on more that day can set a positive intention. It can also help you spot recurring positive patterns and areas where you might want to nurture things a bit more. Also, have a think about your "sex scripts" – those often unconscious expectations and patterns you bring to your intimate moments.
Photo Credits to Luis Zambrano
Talking and Tuning in Together: Enhancing Mutual Awareness
Ultimately, nurturing that sexual connection boils down to honest and open communication. Remember, "Better sex is not about new positions or toys...it is emotional and relational."
A gentle way to express your desires is the "I would like it even more if ..." approach. It affirms what you enjoy while softly suggesting something extra.
When you're talking about sex, try to lead with curiosity, not fear or defensiveness. Ask clarifying questions to truly understand your partner's perspective. And just like you do with yourself, have those debrief chats after intimate moments. What felt good? What didn't? What are you both curious to explore in the future? Frame it around desires, not complaints.
To keep things fresh, make an effort to share "new stories" beyond the usual "how was your day?" prompts. This can foster a deeper sense of connection and keep things interesting. And when you're talking about sex, be clear whether you're just exploring ideas ("brainstorming mode") or trying to make a decision ("decision-making mode") to avoid any crossed wires.
It’s a Journey
Nurturing your sexual connection over time is a beautiful, ongoing conversation—both with yourself and with your partner. Commit to those regular check-ins, use these little tools and ideas, and remember that by prioritising self-reflection and honest dialogue, you can navigate the ever-evolving landscape of your intimacy and create a deeply fulfilling and connected sexual life together.
