Emotional labour and Jamie's Mum's silent struggles in “Adolescence”
Photo Credit: Cottenbro Studio
Did you catch "Adolescence" on Netflix? Beyond the raw portrayal of teenage angst and burgeoning sexuality, there's a quieter, more insidious narrative playing out: the constant, almost imperceptible emotional graft carried by Jamie's mum. Remember how she was perpetually trying to smooth over the rough edges of Jamie's dad's moods? That, my friends, is a masterclass in emotional regulation, and it's a burden that disproportionately falls on women, not just in marriage, but in countless other relational contexts. And it’s not a good thing. It’s an expensive patriarchal adaptation that generates a huge hidden bill that will cost everyone - most of all the mums.
We often chat about the tangible tasks in a relationship—the chores, the bills, the scheduling. But what about the unseen graft? The constant monitoring of emotional climates, the preemptive defusing of tension, the subtle shifts in tone to keep the peace? That’s emotional labour, and it’s knackering.
"Adolescence" provides a stark, albeit understated, look at this dynamic. It's not just about keeping the marital peace; it's about maintaining a semblance of safety and stability for everyone involved. Think about the van scene, where both Lisa and her mum are palpably tense, navigating the undercurrents of unspoken emotions. Manda Miller (Jamie’s mum) hypervigilantly checking her husbands facial expressions to pre-empt his next outburst. Did you watch the bit where Manda swallows back her anguish to go and comfort Eddie. And let’s not forget the teacher consoling Jade, or the implicit emotional management present in the police interactions or the therapist holding a disintegrating and violent Jamie.
All women.
These moments, while not the central focus of the show, highlight how women are often the emotional custodians of their environments.
Image Credit: Jade at Pixabay
Why Does This Matter to You, Then?
If you're in a long-term relationship, especially one that feels like a constant tightrope walk, these dynamics might ring a bell. Are you the one who always seems to be anticipating your partner’s moods, softening their words, or defusing potential arguments? Do you feel like you're constantly in a state of fight-or-flight, bracing for the next emotional eruption?
This isn't just a "women's issue." It's a relational issue. When one partner, often the woman, carries the lion's share of emotional labour, it creates an imbalance that can lead to resentment, burnout, and a deep sense of invisibility.
The Science of Emotional Regulation
From a psychological perspective, this labour is rooted in our innate drive for connection and security. We're wired to seek harmony in our relationships, and often, women are socialised to prioritise this harmony. However, when this drive becomes an overwhelming responsibility, it can lead to chronic stress.
Studies in social psychology have shown that emotional labour is linked to increased rates of depression and anxiety, particularly in women. The constant effort to suppress one's own emotions while managing others' can take a significant toll on mental health.
Breaking the Cycle
So, what can we do? Here are a few thoughts:
Acknowledge the Unseen Graft: The first step is recognising that emotional labour exists and that it's a real burden. Start having conversations about it. Name it. "I feel like I'm constantly managing the emotional temperature in our relationship, and it’s exhausting."
Share the Load: Encourage your partner to take ownership of their emotional regulation. This isn’t about blame; it's about creating a more equitable dynamic. This could be as simple as saying, "I need you to take a moment to regulate your emotions before we continue this conversation."
Practice Self-Care: If you're the one carrying the emotional load, prioritise your own well-being. Set boundaries, take breaks, and seek support. Remember that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Communicate Openly: Talk about your feelings and needs. Don't assume your partner knows what you're going through. Use "I" statements to express your experience without placing blame. "I feel overwhelmed when..."
Seek Professional Help, If Needed: If you're struggling to navigate these dynamics, consider couples therapy. A therapist can provide tools and strategies for healthier communication and emotional regulation.
The Power of Awareness
"Adolescence" isn't just a story about teenagers; it's a mirror reflecting the hidden dynamics in many relationships. By recognising the emotional labour that often goes unnoticed, we can begin to create more balanced and fulfilling partnerships. We can move from a place of silent suffering to a place of shared responsibility and mutual support.
Remember, you're not alone. If you're feeling the weight of emotional labour, know that it's valid, and it's time to start shifting the balance. It's time to make the unseen graft seen, and to create relationships where everyone feels seen, heard, and supported.
