Harnessing Science for Moments of Connection
We've all been there, haven't we? Trying to juggle all the things, knowing our relationship's slipping, but feeling like we just don't have the time. Well, what if we could work smarter, not harder? That’s why I’m reaching to the worlds of behavioral and neuroscience to understand better how to maintain connection in busyness.
I have three principles that I think are effective in achieving this. We can all harness the power of habit, the power of agreement, and the power of accountability for the sake of our relationship.
The Power of Habit
Just like the seedlings that might be growing on a windowsill near you right now regular small watering is the solution. I have been known to drown my plants by overwatering in an attempt to make up for the previous lack. It’s a cheesy analogy, but so it is with your love. Keep watering it daily with small actions. And keep it up.
Relationship gurus John and Julie Gottman coined the phrase ‘small things often’ and created a podcast in the same name. The key is regularity.
The great news is that you don’t even need to create a brand new habit. Tie your habit of connection with your partner to something you already do every day. For instance, if you always make a cuppa in the morning, make it a ritual to have a quick hug and a 'good morning' chat while you're at it.
The Power of Agreement
Making agreements as a couple engages several key brain regions and neurochemicals, creating a powerful feedback loop that reinforces commitment and strengthens the relationship. There's something magical about saying 'yes' together. It's like drawing a line in the sand, a promise you both make to each other. And when you keep that promise, it's not just brain chemicals firing; it's a feeling of 'we're in this together,' a sense of trust.
It is such a simple thing but finding a common agreement and stating it together has a power all of its own. To supercharge your agreements, try saying them slowly and deliberately outloud while looking into each other’s eyes. Trust me this will send a powerful message to your subconscious brain that you mean business.
If you don’t yet harness the power of agreement for maintaining connection as a couple when you are busy then read these stories from my therapy office to inspire you. You will notice that there is a variety of plans that get made and some of them are really small. It’s the power of agreement that makes them effective:
Grant and Felicity signed up for monthly park runs. She volunteered as a marshal, and he ran. This gave them a shared sense of community and vitality.
Amy and Seb babysit their niece fortnightly, helping Amy's sister and her partner have some time off. This also guarantees them two screen-free evenings a month together.
Lena and Marcus decided to compliment each other more. Being a bit competitive, they tried to outdo each other with the most frequent or sincere compliments.
Raj and Priya created a "Story Swap" ritual. Every Sunday evening, they take turns sharing a story from their week – it could be a funny anecdote, a challenging situation, or a moment of inspiration. They limit each story to five minutes, and the other person listens without interrupting.
What are the agreements that you and your partner could make that would see you having more connection in the coming days? They could be something as simple as greeting each other with a hug when you get home or as short as sending an emoji when you drink your coffee.
The Power of Accountability
It's about having someone, whether it's your partner, a friend, or a therapist, to gently nudge you back on course, to remind you of the promises you made when life was less chaotic. It's about remembering that your relationship isn't just another task on the to-do list; it's the very foundation of your happiness. And, when you are accountable to each other, you are saying that that foundation is worth protecting.
Small moments, shared promises, gentle reminders – that's the secret to keeping the connection alive. And it's a secret worth sharing.
Start today, with one tiny habit, one small agreement, one moment of accountability. See how these small changes can transform your relationship, and remember that even in a busy world, love and connection can thrive.
