Ways to Stay Connected When You Are Ultra Busy
"I've far too many things to do today to ignore my relationship priorities”
When life gets complicated or busy, preserving the emotional connection in your relationship can be (I'd argue, should be) a top priority. Having an emotional connection means I'm known and understood. We're together on this journey of life. There's someone thinking about me, and I'm thinking about them. It's during times of stress, chaos, and busyness that we most need that connection to be there for us.
The Silver Thread of Connection
Our emotional connection with our partner can be surprisingly fragile. Think of it as a silver thread.
It's that delicate thread of feeling known and cared for, the barely-there sense of belonging that carries us through the day.
The silver thread of your connection is fragile. A headache, a sharp word, a week apart, well-meaning interference, the kids' demands... any of these can snap it in an instant.
The Wooden Joist of Identity
Contrast that with your identity as a couple. Solid, stable, dependable; like the beam of a roof. It's been there for years, decades even. Everyone recognises it. It's a universally recognised fact: you're a couple.
But just knowing you're in a partnership isn't enough, is it? We need to feel that presence, that love, that friendship. So, how do we keep that silver thread intact, even when life's pulling us in a million directions?
It's tempting to think we need grand gestures or hours of uninterrupted time to keep that connection strong. But the truth is, it's the small, consistent actions that make the real difference. Like keeping a car ticking over, we need to regularly invest a little bit of time and effort to keep things running smoothly. Tiny, deliberate moments woven into the fabric of our daily lives – a quick text, a lingering hug, a genuine question – these are the threads that reinforce our bond, reminding us we're in this together, even when life feels like it's pulling us apart.
This article gives you a handful of suggestions that you can weave into your week. Challenge yourself to try three things on the list, even if they take you out of your comfort zone.
Talking: Connecting Through Words
"To have good conversation, you have only to ask good questions." - Anonymous. There are hundreds of interesting conversation starters you could use with your partner to replace the well-worn “how was your day, love?”.
Here are my top 10:
What's the silliest thing you did as a kid that you still remember?
If you could have any animal as a pet (even a weird one), what would it be and why?
What's one small thing that always makes you smile, no matter what?
What's a song that always makes you want to dance, even if you're not in the mood?
What's one thing you're secretly really good at that most people don't know?
If you could have a "do-over" of any moment in your life, what would it be and why?
What's the most unusual or unexpected compliment you've ever received?
What's one thing you're looking forward to trying or experiencing in the next month?
What's a small thing someone did for you recently that made you feel appreciated?
If you could instantly learn any skill, what would it be and why?
Physical Connection: Connecting Through Touch
Certain partners are wired for the kinesthetic: they experience connection through movement and sensation. For them, touch is a powerful draw; offer it, and they'll always want more. Ditch the quick 'peck on the cheek' and explore these more meaningful touches:
Neck or head rub: The head and neck, particularly areas like the scalp, temples, and neck muscles, have a high concentration of nerve endings and touch receptors compared to other parts of the body. That’s why a head rub feels so good!
Sustained hug or holding: The ‘6-second rule’ suggests that lingering just a bit longer in an embrace allows time for your body to release the connecting hormone oxytocin.
Support your partner's weight: Let them lean on you physically, just as they do emotionally.
Hold each other’s gaze: Prolonged eye contact can help you convey emotions without words, increasing intimacy.
Hand on knee/shoulder: A light, reassuring touch while sitting or standing. It registers, even if it’s only fleeting!
Intertwining fingers: A simple way to create a sense of connection and intimacy.
Back rub: A quick massage can help ease tension and stress.
Dance together: Even if it's just in the kitchen while cooking, dancing together can be a fun and playful way to connect.
Whispering sweet nothings in each other's ears: alternating between soft and husky tones.
Novelty: Connecting Through Small Actions
Post a note: leave a post-it note with a tiny message for them to find.
Fill a jar of compliments: Write down compliments or loving messages on slips of paper and put them in a jar. Your partner can pull one out whenever they need a boost.
"Random acts of kindness": Do a small chore for your partner without being asked. Fold the laundry, make their coffee, or run a quick errand.
Create a "connection playlist": Make a playlist of songs that remind you of your relationship. Share it with your partner and listen to it together.
Send a voice message of a funny story: Share a funny anecdote from your day with a voice message. It's more personal than a text and adds a playful element.
"Two Truths and a Lie": Text each other "two truths and a lie" about your day. See if your partner can guess which one is the lie.
Use a shared online board: Create a shared Pinterest board, a collaborative playlist, or a shared document where you can share articles, photos, or funny things you find online.
"Check-in" emoji: Send a quick emoji to check in. A heart, a thumbs up, or a funny face can convey a lot of emotion in a single tap.
A key element of maintaining connection is making space for your partner in your mind. Gottman calls this "cognitive room." It's about actively making room in your thoughts for your partner's world, their joys, their stresses, their hopes and dreams. It's about remembering their birthday, celebrating their successes, and being truly present when they share their day with you. Creating cognitive room requires intention. It means putting down your phone, turning off the TV, and truly listening when your partner speaks. It means asking thoughtful questions, showing genuine interest in their life, and making an effort to understand their perspective. When we make space for our partner in our minds, we strengthen the silver thread of connection between us.
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