Learning to Fight Right with the Gottmans
Alright, let's dive into the messy, but oh-so-important world of conflict in relationships, drawing inspiration from John and Julie Gottman's new book, Fight Right. You know, in my practice, the number one reason couples walk through my door isn't usually about infidelity or big, dramatic blow-ups (though those happen). It's about the daily grind of conflict, the little irritations that snowball into big resentments. It’s about not knowing how to fight right.
You may not be at a crisis point but I bet you have got some less-than-ideal ways of handling conflict (or not handling it!!). I definitely have. Some of my challenges are:
Stewing on resentments for far too long
Starting conflict harshly, with criticism
Not knowing how to self-soothe
Getting overwhelmed and flooded with emotion
Getting defensive (this is a big one!!)
Not stopping to work out what the fight is really about
Feeling that any compromise is giving up too much or a sign of weakness
I have been trained in the Gottman’s method. I like how practical their ideas are. In their book, they've identified five key factors that really impact how couples navigate conflict, and I want to break them down for you here. Write them on a post-it and stick them on the fridge for the next time you feel your heckles go up and you want to handle the fight like a pro!
1. The Harsh Startup:
Think of it like this: how you start a conversation sets the tone for everything that follows. If you come in hot, guns blazing, with criticism or blame, you're basically guaranteeing a defensive reaction. The Gottmans call this a "harsh startup".
Here are some examples:
"You never listen to me! You're always on your phone." instead of "I'm feeling unheard when you're on your phone. Can we talk about it?"
“I hate it when you don’t do what you say you will. It makes me feel unimportant” instead of “Help me understand what happened when you didn’t follow through on what we agreed. It’s not working for me like this.”
2. The Four Horsemen:
You've probably heard of these: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are the classic destructive patterns that the Gottmans have identified. In fact, their ideas are so specific they can use them to predict the couples who will divorce with 93% accuracy based on observing these things. Contempt, in particular, is like emotional acid. It's that eye-rolling, sarcastic tone that says, "I think I'm superior to you."
3. Flooding:
This is when one partner gets so overwhelmed by the conflict that they emotionally shut down. Their heart rate skyrockets, they can't think straight, and they just want to escape. It’s like their emotional circuits overload.
When this happens very suddenly, we call it being triggered. This is such an important aspect of conflict that I wrote a whole article about it here.
4. Failed Repair Attempts:
We all do things to upset our partner and always will. The key is how you repair after a conflict. A repair attempt is anything you do to de-escalate the tension. It could be a joke, an apology, a touch, anything that says, "I want to reconnect."
Often, couples miss or ignore repair attempts. They're so caught up in the fight that they don't see their partner reaching out. I have written a resource that gives a 4-step repair tool for you to follow at home if you are struggling. It’s called Talking it out: A Roadmap for Healthy Conflict
5. Bad Memories:
This is a big one. When couples have a lot of unresolved conflict, they start to rewrite their history. They remember the bad times more vividly than the good, and they start to see their partner in a negative light.
This is where things can get really tricky, because it can affect how you interpret your partner's actions in the present. It’s like wearing tinted glasses. You only see the negative. I've seen couples who have been together for years, and they only remember the fights. We have to work on reframing those memories, focusing on the positive, and rebuilding a sense of shared history.
So, what can you do?
Practice Soft Startups: Start conversations gently, focusing on your feelings and needs.
Combat the Four Horsemen: Replace criticism with complaints, contempt with appreciation, defensiveness with responsibility, and stonewalling with breaks.
Learn to Recognize Flooding: Take breaks when you feel overwhelmed.
Make and Receive Repair Attempts: Be intentional about reconnecting after conflict.
Create Positive Memories: Chose to focus on the good times and build a shared present.
Remember, conflict isn’t just inevitable its also a desireable route to connection if we navigate it in a healthy way. If you would like more conflict resources and tools, download Talking it out: A Roadmap for Healthy Conflict
with love and empowerment,
P.S I recommend Fight Right by the Gottmans for a fuller exploration of these 5 topics.
