Conflict with my partner triggers me. Is this normal?

Question:

Conflict with my partner triggers me. Is this normal?

Answer:

riggers are those seemingly small things – a tone of voice, a word or phrase, a situation, the curl of your partner’s lip – that can set off an unexpectedly intense reaction in us. They're like emotional landmines, often stemming from deeper, unacknowledged needs and desires.

In relationships, triggers can seem like a nasty trick that biology plays on us. That's where the feeling that perhaps there is something wrong with us or it’s not normal to get so upset and overreact can come from. But the truth is, triggers are very common. It is quite possible that they are making things hard for you in your relationship.

Here are some of my thoughts on how to move forward:

Why do I get triggered?

Think of triggers as highly sensitive threat detection systems within us. They can be activated by a wide range of stimuli: faces, gestures, postures, sounds, movements, voices, words, and phrases.

Triggers are often linked to past experiences, insecurities, or unmet needs. They signal a perceived threat to our sense of safety, value, or connection. Common triggers include feeling disrespected, unheard, unappreciated, or controlled.

For those who have experienced trauma or difficult childhood experiences, these triggers can be even more pronounced. Past hurts can create a heightened sensitivity to certain situations or behaviors, making it more likely for those emotional landmines to explode.

The Impact of Triggers on Conflict

When triggers are activated during conflict, it can lead to a cascade of negative reactions. Defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling – what John Gottman calls the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" – can result. I wrote about this here.

Often, people react in ways that seem disproportionate to the situation. This is because triggers bypass our rational mind and tap into our emotional core, where those past hurts and unmet needs reside.

What can I do about my triggers?

I wish there was a ‘magic bullet’ answer I could give you. But like most things in our emotional world, progress happens in small steps forward with love and vulnerability.

These are 4 things to focus on and work at:

1. Self-Awareness:

Identify Your Triggers: Reflect on past interactions and notice what sets you off. What specific words, actions, or situations elicit a strong reaction? Often there will be a pattern to your triggers.   Explore the Underlying Emotions: What are you feeling when triggered? Are you feeling criticized, rejected, or misunderstood? Practice Mindfulness: Cultivate present moment awareness to help you recognize your triggers as they arise.   Journal: Write about your experiences to gain deeper insights into your triggers and reactions.

2. Communication Skills:

I have created two resources to help with communication and conflict. The Conflict Rescue Pack: 80-game changing phrases for conflict and the Roadmap for Healthy Conflict: a step by step approach to how to manage conflict well.

Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings and needs without blaming or criticizing your partner. For example, instead of saying "You always ignore me," try "I feel lonely when I don't get your attention." Soften Your Start-Up: Raise issues in a gentle, respectful way, focusing on your own experience rather than accusing your partner. Active Listening: Truly listen to understand your partner's perspective without interrupting or judging. Repair Attempts: Learn to recognize and respond to your partner's attempts to de-escalate the tension and reconnect.

3. Creating Safety and Trust:

Safe Space: Foster an environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings and needs without fear of judgment or punishment.   Agreements: Make clear agreements about how to communicate during moments of fear and upset, focusing on listening and curiosity rather than defensiveness.

4. Taking a Break:

Recognize Overwhelm: Learn to identify when you're feeling flooded and need a break from the conversation.   Time-Out Ritual: Create a ritual for taking breaks, such as saying, "I need a few minutes to calm down. Can we talk about this later?"   Self-Soothe: Engage in activities that help you regulate your emotions, such as deep breathing, meditation, or going for a walk.

Conclusion:

Triggers are a normal part of being human, and they don't have to derail your relationship. With awareness, communication, and a commitment to building a secure and loving foundation, you can navigate triggers and create a relationship that thrives.

I know it might not seem like it to you now, but triggers can act as a portal to deeper understanding. You can learn important things about yourself, your partner, and your relationship by making space for understanding your triggers. These new insights might actually be life-changing. I’m not hyping it up, but if your body is reacting strongly to your partner’s behavior, there is something profound going on under the surface.

Most of all, be kind to yourself. Triggers are your body’s attempt to protect you, and we all have them. Offer yourself patience and kindness, and be curious about what is happening with you.

with love and empowerment,

P.S If you haven’t read the article called Fight Right about Gottman’s book, you can see it here.