A Guide to Practicing Vulnerability With Your Partner
Davina McCall recently chatted with Gillian Anderson on the podcast Begin Again. I loved how Gillian described what love means to her:
What does it feel like to be truly ‘home’ in your relationship? For most of us, like Gillian, it’s a feeling of deep safety. It’s when you can breathe out completely and know you’re accepted for exactly who you are. This is the heart of intimacy, which I like to think of as in-to-me-see. This amazing feeling of being seen and accepted allows our bodies to relax and makes a relationship a true safe space.
But here’s the tricky part: the way to create this safety is by doing something that feels a bit scary – being vulnerable.
What is Vulnerability?
The amazing researcher Brené Brown teaches us that vulnerability isn't a weakness. It's the courage to show up even when you don't know what will happen. In her recent book, Atlas of the Heart , she described being vulnerable as being open and gentle with the world, while also being tough enough to know that your kindness might not always be returned.
That’s it, right there! In our relationships, we need to be soft enough to show our true feelings but also strong enough to be okay if our partner doesn't understand or isn't kind to ourselves in that moment. This is the heart of vulnerability in relationships
When I think about the couples I've worked with recently, I've seen some incredible, brave vulnerability. I’m thinking of:
A couple working to get back together after the husband left. He moved back in two weeks ago after 27 years of marriage.
A couple who couldn't have children after one of them had cancer as a teenager. They've been through the ups and downs of surrogacy, and their surrogate is now 30 weeks pregnant.
A young couple supporting one partner through their gender transition, including surgery and hormone treatment.
These are strong couples, finding comfort by caring for and listening to each other.
But there are plenty of couples who don't feel so strong. I think of my own marriage and how, some years ago, I stopped showing my true self. Being vulnerable had gone badly for me in the past, so I hid away. Nick and I stopped talking about the deep stuff. We would avoid difficult topics until we argued, and then we'd go straight back to avoiding them again. Of course, it didn't make either of us happy!
As relationship expert Dr Sue Johnson said, “In insecure relationships, we hide our vulnerabilities so our partner never really sees us.” The less we are seen, the harder it is to risk being vulnerable, and a painful cycle begins. We start to blame, pull away, or criticise each other because we’re too afraid to simply say, "I'm scared" or "I feel alone."
In deep and trusting relationships, being vulnerable is something you practise. Over time, it becomes a normal part of how you are together. So, how can we invite more of this wonderful, connecting vulnerability into our own relationships?
Image Credits to August de Richelieu
Simple Ways to Practise Vulnerability
First, I want to say well done for even reading this. The fact that you're here, thinking about how to make your connection stronger, says so much about you. You're already doing the work! This isn't about fixing something broken; it's about looking after the precious garden of your relationship. Whether you feel like a strong couple or not right now, you can try these simple things.
The key is to do small things, often. Big romantic gestures are lovely, but true closeness is built in the small, everyday moments of brave honesty.
Simple, Daily Practices
Here are a few ideas to get you started. Try picking one or two that feel doable.
Be the first to say sorry. Don't wait for your partner. Own your part, even if it's tiny. A simple "I'm sorry for my tone just now" can change everything.
Share your feelings, even if they're messy. You don't need to have it all figured out. Saying, "I'm feeling a bit lost right now and I don't know why" is a great way to invite connection.
Talk about your weaknesses. Admitting "I'm not great at this" invites your partner to be on your team, not to judge you.
Ask for help—and be specific. Instead of hoping your partner reads your mind, try asking directly. "I'm feeling really overwhelmed today. Could you sort out dinner tonight so I can have 30 minutes to myself?"
Share a small fear or worry. It doesn't have to be a big secret. Saying, "I'm a bit nervous about that meeting tomorrow," gives your partner a chance to support you.
Talk about a dream or a hope. Share something you're excited about, even if it feels silly. Showing what lights you up is a lovely way to be vulnerable.
Give love without wanting anything back. Say "I love you" because you feel it. Give a compliment just to be kind. This builds a culture of generosity.
Admit when you're wrong. This is different from apologising. It's about saying, "You know what? You were right about that. I was wrong." It shows huge respect and makes your partner feel safe.
Share something you're proud of. It can feel surprisingly scary to celebrate yourself. Saying, "I worked really hard on this, and I'm proud of how it turned out," invites your partner to celebrate with you.
Creating a Ritual for Connection
While daily practices are the foundation, sometimes it helps to make vulnerability a planned activity. By setting aside a dedicated time and space, you show each other: "This is important. You are important. I'm here for you."
How to Create a Vulnerability Ritual
The Weekly Check-In: Set aside 20-30 minutes once a week (Sunday evenings are great for this). Put your phones away, make a cup of tea, and take turns answering a few simple questions. You could try:
"When did you feel closest to me this week?"
"When did you feel a bit distant from me this week?"
"Is there anything you need from me this week?"
The Question Jar: Write down questions on small bits of paper and put them in a jar. Once or twice a week, pull one out and both answer it. Questions can be fun ("What's a favourite childhood memory you haven't told me?") or deeper ("What's a fear you have about our future?").
Read a Book Together: Choose a book about relationships (like Brené Brown's Dare to Lead or Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight) and read one chapter a week. Use it to start conversations about your own habits, fears, and hopes.
The goal isn't to be perfect; it's to connect. The magic is in the trying. It’s in the brave, messy, beautiful act of turning towards each other and choosing to be seen.
I love to hear your stories and questions, so if this blog post has affected you in any way, let me know: hello@naomilight.com.
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