The 12 Rows of Christmas

Grab a mince pie and pour yourself a mulled wine, because I’m about to share something that makes me cringe to this day.

A few years ago, on Christmas Day itself, the pressure cooker popped. It wasn’t a disagreement; it was a blazing, cinematic row over the lunch clear-up. The result? I stormed out of the house, vowed never to return, and actually checked myself into a hotel.

Yes. On Christmas Day.

I spent the evening finding complimentary packets of crackers and locating the vending machines instead of toasting happiness by the fire.

I tell you this because I know I’m not the only one with a festive horror story. The irony is cruel: the day meant for peace is often the day our nervous systems feel the most threatened. The deviation from routine, the weight of expectation, and the sheer amount of sugar creates a perfect storm for meltdowns, and that is before the sherry and the sleepless night!

So, in the spirit of preparedness—and to save you from a lonely night at the Premier Inn—here is your couple’s field guide to the 12 Rows of Christmas.

1. The "How Much Did That Cost?" Row The trigger: One of you thinks they are Father Christmas; the other thinks they are the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
The Fix: Align your goals before you shop. Without this, the "Scarcity Mindset" turns gift-opening into a forensic audit of the joint account.

2. The In-Law Tug-of-War Row The Trigger: The annual negotiation of whose parents get the "pleasure" of your company.
The Fix: Remember you are a primary diad and you need to stick together. ‘Primary diad’ is therapist speak for: "Your partner comes first, your Mum comes second." (Sorry, Mum).

3. The Tinsel Tussle Row The Trigger: You want "Scandi-Chic Minimalist." They want "Blackpool Illuminations."
The Fix: Divide and conquer. You curate the tree; they get free rein over the hallway. Do not cross the border!

4. The "Why Am I Doing Everything?" Meltdown The Trigger: You are basting, wrapping, and peeling. They are… weeping at the end of Elf.
The Fix: Make the invisible labour visible. A whiteboard list that says "Peel Sprouts" in red ink is harder to ignore than your heavy sighing.

5. The "You Don't Know Me At All" Gift The Trigger: You hinted at a spa day. You unwrapped a stick blender.
The Fix: Use "Theory of Mind." Don't buy what you would want. Buy how they want to feel. (Hint: Nobody wants to feel like they need to puree soup).

Photo credits to Tima Miroshnichen

6. The Introvert’s Lament The Trigger: Too many parties, not enough silence. You find your partner hiding in the downstairs loo.
The Fix: Respect the "Ego Depletion." For every sherry party, schedule an hour of staring at a wall in silence.

7. The Battle of TraditionsThe Trigger: "But we always open stockings at 6 AM!" vs. "We sleep in until noon!"
The Fix: Create a "Third Culture." Blend the traditions. Or better yet, invent a new one that involves strong coffee before any chaos begins.

8. The Kitchen Nightmare The Trigger: The turkey is dry, the timer is screaming, and someone tries to "help" by standing directly in front of the oven.
The Fix: Avoid the "Critic/Defender" loop. If you’re the chef, you’re the Captain. If you’re the sous-chef, take orders or get out of the galley.

9. The Parenting Clash The Trigger: The kids are feral on chocolate buttons. One parent shouts; the other coddles.
The Fix: Pre-game huddle. Agree on the rules before the sugar hits the bloodstream. Present a united front, even if you’re both exhausted.

10. The Instagram vs. Reality Gap The Trigger: The table doesn't look like Pinterest. You feel like a failure.
The Fix: Embrace the mess. A perfect photo usually hides a miserable family. Aim for "good enough" and happy.

11. The Boxing Day Hangover (The Mess) The Trigger: A sea of wrapping paper and a mounting sense of resentment.
The Fix: Sign a "Cleanup Contract." Agree to ignore the bomb site on the 25th, but attack it like a SWAT team on the 26th.

12. The New Year’s Eve "Meh" The Trigger: Forced fun, expensive taxis, and the pressure to have the "Best Night Ever."
The Fix: Ask what you actually want to do. Pyjamas, pizza, and Jools Holland are a valid (and often superior) choice.

Here is the truth about Christmas: The turkey will probably be a bit dry. Someone will buy you a scented candle you hate. The kids will cry. But if you can keep your “we thinking” brain firmly turned on, you won't end up in a hotel room. You’ll end up connected.

Hint: ‘We thinking’ asks the question what’s good-for-me-good-for-you? Let’s do that!

Take good care of yourselves and each other this festive season.

with love and empowerment,