The 15 Stages of a Dying Marriage
No couple ever walks down the aisle, imagining the end of their marriage. But many couples find themselves wrestling with conflict, disconnection, irritation, and even loathing at different points on their path. Challenges with marriage are normal. In fact, 100% of marriages have them. But how do you know if the challenges you are facing point to something more terminal? When does a marriage need a shake-up and some investment and when should partners be contacting the lawyers?
This article aims to shed some light on the kind of trends we see when marriages are in decline. However dark things can get in marriages, I remain a relationship optimist and this is why:
As a professional, I believe that every couple can recover affection, and intimacy, if they want to. I regularly see the most remarkable turnarounds of troubled marriages in my office.
As someone who has rebuilt a new relationship with the same husband because the first relationship was a complete failure, I know what it feels like. The big questions about the future are very hard to deal with. Hard....but not impossible. As a client said in my office this week to his wife “they put humans on the moon so certainly you and I can work this out!”
In this article, I try to point at some of the indicators that a marriage is in trouble without obscuring hope for recovery at whatever stage of disconnect. This list is not an exhaustive list and not necessarily linear either. Couples may find they jump forward or go back through the stages and their connection ebbs and flows.
If you suspect or know that your relationship is in difficulty I am sure some things on this list will resonate with you. I hope it encourages you to take action for the future of your marriage. The willingness to act will always be a defining characteristic of healthy relationships.
1. Disinterest
This is when a couple starts to become bored with each other and their marriage. The spark fades and they no longer feel the same passion as they once did. They start to take each other for granted and stop putting effort into their relationship. It could be that familiarity breeds contempt or the relationship has become stale. Or perhaps a lack of investment means that partners experience disinterest in each other. Perhaps changes have caused them to drift or a hurtful event has put a wedge between them. Whatever the reason disinterest is subtle and can be hard to spot.
2. Negative comparisons
Unmet longings or unexpressed needs can morph gradually into unfavourable comparisons with others. For example “My friend’s do things with their husband’s; I wish we did”, “my ex-girlfriend never needed this much reassurance”, “everyone else seems to be OK with it, why can’t she be?”.
You might think that other people have happier marriages, or they are more attractive than your partner, or they make more money than you do. Or maybe you think that if only your spouse had this one quality then everything would be perfect. It’s the classic case of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’. But be careful that you aren’t playing judge and jury in your relationship and focusing your attention on lack instead of what your partner means to you.
3. Not there for me
This stage is characterised by the many missed opportunities for connection and affection that come from disinterest. Lack of attentiveness can leave both partners feeling that the other is not there for them. Partners may actively turn away from opportunities to spend time together or it may be more of a subtle coldness. Resisting your partner's advances and invitations for more connection is only going to lead to more decline in romantic attachment as they feel sidelined.
4. Tension and hypersensitivity
Couples may feel as though they are walking on eggshells around each other, and that any criticism can lead to an argument or fight. Couples may also become overly sensitive to their partner’s mood, and worry that something is wrong when their spouse seems upset.
Fights can escalate quickly and each partner rehearses a mental script about the lacks of the other. Partners can also become defensive and resentful, which creates a lot of tension in the relationship. Couples who are experiencing this stage may feel like they’re caught in an endless cycle of arguments and misunderstandings.
5. Frustration builds and repairs fail
This stage is characterised by frustration building and conflict repair failing. Couples are either at each other’s throats or they are emotionally withdrawn from one another. If a couple is able to identify the source of their frustrations, which may include changes in themselves as well as external factors like work or children, then they may be able to address these frustrations constructively. Noticing the signs of trouble at this stage and taking action can mean a quick restoration of connection for a married couple. Ignoring the signs and settling for frustration is like putting a sticking plaster on an infected wound. It won’t get to the root of the problem.
6. Conflict avoidance
Relationships at this stage will feature high negativity and high frustration, but also an unwillingness to engage. There may be a palpable sense of tension in the air and people around the couple including those in their household may notice the signs of disintegration of the union. There is a lot of stress in the relationship, which can lead to depression and anxiety among one or both partners as unresolved conflict backs up like a damn about to burst. Couples may go out of their way to avoid each other and find reasons not to be together. This leads to stage seven.
7. Distance and disconnection
This is the stage where you both start to feel like strangers living in the same house. You no longer connect on an emotional level with your spouse, and you don’t feel as close as you used to be. The sense of a chasm opening up between the partners compounds feelings of being misunderstood. You may become aware in conversations that you are waiting for the conflict to flare or expecting your partner to misread you. It is also likely that if this is your thought pattern it may become the predictor of the very conflict it tries to avoid. Couples at this can start to wonder why they ever got together and what they saw in their partner in the first place.
8. Parallel lives and loneliness
Once disconnection has become the norm in a relationship, it can seem as though partners are living parallel lives. This stage can last a long time as partners may seek sources of emotional comfort and connection elsewhere. Intimacy decreases and there may be no physical contact at this point. If sex is still present in the relationship, it may be very functional and unsatisfying, leaving one or both partners feeling resentful. Emotional numbness or deep ambivalence may have replaced any feelings of warmth. The outlook for relationships at this stage is becoming increasingly bleak.
10. Independent and ambivalence
This stage is marked by an increase in feelings of ambivalence and independence. The couple begins to see each other as separate individuals instead of being part of a unit. This may lead the couple to begin orientating more of their activities outside of the relationship. There may be longer periods of separation with one partner staying away from the home. Each partner may have an entrenched ‘position’ on the relationship and may be getting much of their emotional needs met away from the relationship. Some acting out with more risk-taking behaviour may happen at this stage. The likelihood of infidelity increases as partners are looking for connection and belonging in other places apart from the marriage.
11. Negative perspective with Four Horsemen in conflicts
If the negative comparisons about their relationship become more complete, it can lead to a state of permanent anger and frustration for partners. It can appear that there are no positive features of the partnership and that the demise is almost complete. This is what the Gottmans call the negative perspective. I wrote an article about Gottman's work on the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' and how it contributes to relationships decline.
In terms of conflict, this stage may see more examples of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling. Quicker escalations, and more intense fighting will always be the result of the Four Horsemen in communication. Sometimes at this stage couples become so frustrated with one another that they give up on trying to repair their marriage altogether. If this is the case then feelings of desperation and overwhelm may be felt. Once the negativity escalation has really set in it's hard to repair arguments and conflict may bubble under the surface for days or even months! This leads to the next stage.
12. Regularly criticise partner to others
The negativity of conflict and disconnection spills out to everyone around and partners will be verbally critical of each other in public. Almost any event can be an opportunity to get one up on your partner and run them down to their friends and family. Complaining to others about how awful your spouse is may feel like it lets off some of the steam but in the long run, it is likely to increase the escalation of bitterness. Partners rack up more reasons for distrust and feelings of betrayal. By now the end of the relationship is in sight.
13. Rejection and hostility
By stages 13, 14 and 15 the marriage is in its death throes. Behaviours may look very different at this stage. Some marriages may freeze over with quiet resignation at the permanent divisions between the couple. Others may enter spates of bitter feuding with loud and aggressive arguments. At both sides of the spectrum, the experience of rejection instead of acceptance is painful to the point of traumatic. One or both partners may be suffering from high stress with symptoms of anxiety or depression. It is now very difficult to have the flexibility of thinking about the relationship that enables a change of perspective. Attempting to reverse the trend at this stage might seem like an impossible task. Of course, we know recovery is always possible but beginning from stage 13 would take a long time to achieve a full re-connection.
14. Disrespect
Separation, if not physical, is a psychological reality by stage 14. There may have been a ‘last straw moment’ that defines for one or both partners how grave the situation is. Patterns of circular arguments have developed with accompanying feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Conversely, marriage partners may be in constant stonewalling with no communication at all. Loneliness will be felt as a deep and pervasive reality and partners may describe symptoms of heartbreak.
At the final stages of a dying marriage vindictiveness and the desire to hurt the other may now be driving forces of contact. Needless to say, trauma, pain and stress will accompany this stage.
15. Moving on
When a marriage is dead and neither partner harbours any feelings of desire to reconnect the individuals may have been moving on for a long time already. They may have made significant investments elsewhere and may already have found a new partner. All that follows from this point is the formal and legal separation and the need for each partner to recover and heal.
The 15 stages of a dying marriage present us with a gloomy view of what can go wrong. Thankfully, many people notice early on that something is awry with their relationship and seek help from professionals or friends and family. Early signs of disconnection or disinterest can be important warning signs to make the necessary repairs or investments in your relationship to safeguard it for future success.
When partners are unaware of the danger signs or worse, become indifferent to the problems in their relationship, this spells bad news for the future of the partnership. If you notice any of the features of the 15 stages of a dying marriage in your relationship, the best time to act is now. You can book a free consultation with one of our therapists to help you decide if professional therapy could benefit you and your relationship.
