5 Questions To Ask Your Relationship Coach
Let’s say you make the brave decision to get help for your relationship. You go online and find a relationship coach who looks agreeable. You contemplate getting in touch to ask about coaching and sessions... But then you freeze as you realise: you don’t know what to expect from her.
Your head fills with questions:
Will she want to see us together or separately?
Will she ask us questions or tell us what we are doing wrong?
What if we have a fight in a session?
What if I get upset?
What if my partner gets angry?
Worst of all: what if it doesn’t work... Is that it for our relationship?
Soon, you're tempted to forget the whole idea of relationship coaching. It’s just too scary!
That was what happened to me when I first reached out to a coach for help with my relationship. Now that I'm a relationship coach, I get it. I totally understand the need for clear information about what relationship coaching is like.
These five questions can help you work out if a relationship coach is what you need right now.
Question #1 - Do you coach clients individually, together, or both?
Individual relationship coaching sounds like a contradiction in terms. But think about how a sports coach can help a single player of a team sport. Relationship coaching is similar. A coach meets with one partner to help support them in their relationship. The coach helps the client explore the way they think and feel about the relationship. This can benefit the client, the partner, and the relationship.
Couples coaching together means the coach meets with both partners at the same time. The coach and couple work on the relationship in partnership. Coaching goals are agreed together. And both partners need to be invested in working with the coach.
In my couples work, I see clients together, apart from one session early on. Before we work together, I explore the relationship history with each partner individually. Both partners need to be happy to meet with me, and open to working on improving the relationship.
It may happen that one partner wants the support of a coach. In that case, I offer individual relationship coaching for that partner.
Question #2 - What is your approach?
This question helps you understand where your coach is coming, from and what coaching discipline she follows. Different streams of coaching follow different principles. It's worth looking up any terms your coach uses so you understand what they mean.
I coach from a person-centred, psychodynamic approach. Person-centred means the client is the centre of the session. All tools and processes are used in reference to the client's stated needs or goals. I don’t follow any set patterns or structures.
Psychodynamic means I look at how the person’s history has impacted the current relationship.
I've been trained with the Gottman Institute for Couples Therapy (link) and follow their science-based approach to happy relationships.
Question #3 - How are the sessions structured?
This is an important practical question. It helps you decide whether a particular coach can offer what you're looking for. Some coaches offer sessions over Skype or Zoom calls.
Because of the extra need to create safe space when working with two people, I conduct my couples coaching from my offices in Petersfield, Hampshire. Individual coaching sessions can be online, via Zoom, or in person.
My coaching sessions are 90-minutes long. Typically, a course of relationship coaching will be a minimum of 6 sessions.
Question #4 - Is there homework?
Working on your relationship is a significant investment of time and money. It goes beyond regular sessions with a coach. Be prepared to also try out some of what you learn at home. If finding time is an issue for you, try to spread sessions out. That way, you can work on your relationship in between seeing your coach.
Question #5 - Do you have testimonials from other clients?
It's reassuring to hear stories of people who have found coaching to be helpful for their relationships. It also helps to gauge the experience level and effectiveness of the coach. Be aware, though, that more established coaches may have longer waiting lists.
The answers to these questions are important. They can help you find the right coach for you and your relationship. You may need to speak to a few coaches. And it may be helpful to have a few trial sessions before you commit to one coach. The right coach can make an impact on your relationship that lasts a lifetime. Your relationship is worth it. Take your time and find a good fit.
Ready to find out more? Contact me for an exploratory chat.
