How We Form Attachments

I don’t often think about how the chemicals in an adhesive compound actually bond together, but recently I found myself contemplating it. I was trying to stick a piece of my fireplace back together. We had just moved into a new house and the fire surround had come loose. I needed a strip of wood to bond to a tile and stone surface. Adhesives create a chemical reaction that causes them to attach one surface to another - bonding. I was hoping that the bond would be strong and my fireplace would stay stuck together.

We use that same work bonding for human attachment, too. When I collect my 8 year old from school in the afternoons, she runs over to me for a hug as soon as she sees me. We have formed an attachment which acts a bit like magnetic attraction when we are searching for each other in the playground. It's an instant effect. She will drop anything she is doing to run over and greet me, wrapping her arms and legs around me as I cuddle her for a few precious moments. The bond is secure.

Just like chemistry explains chemical bonds, psychology explains human bonds. We call it attachment theory. It is relevant to all our relationships, but especially important in our close intimate relationships like marriage. Attachment theory says that, over time, we develop a ‘style’ of relating. These styles fall into four general categories:

Secure attachment

People with secure attachments are usually loving, communicative, and feel comfortable with intimacy. They tend to ask for help when they need it. They expect others to be loving and responsive and behave in ways that enhance (rather than damage) their relationships. They rarely worry about their relationships.

Anxious attachment

People who exhibit anxious behaviour in relationships may be preoccupied with their relationships. They like to be close to their partner, worry about whether their partner cares about them and are often viewed by others as ‘needy’ or ’clingy’. They also can exhibit what psychologists call ‘protest behaviour’, which usually means getting angry or frustrated and not wanting to be close to their partner (which they do to get their attention). Finally, they’re very sensitive to threats because they’re less able to regulate emotions.

Avoidant or ambivalent attachment

This style of relating is often cooler or more aloof. Avoidant relationships need plenty of personal space and will resist ‘clingy’ or ‘needy’ behaviour by withdrawing. This also stems from a limited ability to self-regulate - but is expressed very differently. A person with this style will not worry about the relationship, but may struggle to get really close or to be vulnerable in expressing themselves with their partner. They are more likely, therefore, to feel alone or disconnected and may become critical, ‘nit-picky’ or arrogant.

Disorganised or unresolved attachment

Those with a disorganised attachment style don’t have a coherent attachment strategy. Instead, they can oscillate between avoidant or anxious. They’ve often been maltreated as children or suffered trauma as an adult – but haven’t processed their experiences. As a result of this unresolved trauma, they can find themselves surrounded by triggers and are often disconnected from their bodies and emotions. They are usually classified with a secondary attachment style, depending on which they adopt the most.

Our attachment styles act as an organising system for our relationships. They create a sense of safety and predictability as we play our ‘roles’ in the partnership and anticipate the actions of our partner.

Ironically, we tend to form connections with others whose style of relating fits our own. Avoidant attachment types seek anxious attachment types and disorganised attachment types may seek either avoidant or anxious, depending on which style is their own dominant style. Securely attached types are likely to gravitate towards others who are securely attached, although it is usual for us to be a mix of more than one style of attachment. The relationship may therefore bring out our more anxious or more aloof behaviour, depending on the pairing.

It seems a bit of a cruel irony that the space where we’re hoping to find the most secure bonding with someone else may be the very environment doomed to repeat our old patterns of relating, leading to loneliness or heartbreak.

We may choose a mate who we know, deep down, will reject us when we move in to connect.

We may be attracted to a partner who will chase us for intimacy even though we feel crowded when they do.

But the push-pull is what keeps the whole dance going.

Sue Johnson, attachment expert and author of Hold me Tight, calls this kind of interaction the ‘demon dialogues’ of relationships. When we recognise the avoidant or anxious attachment behaviour, we can begin to change the dialogue to promote secure connections with our partners. The kind of connections that will bring us happiness, well being and love for the long term.

The next time I use an adhesive to fix something in my house, I will be hoping that the bond is secure and the fix will last. I am also planning to use secure attachment styles to keep the human connections in my house strong and lasting.

For more about relationships, attachment styles and healing from trauma, contact me today.