How to Handle Relationship Conflict When You Have Kids
As a parent, you want to do everything you can to protect your children from the emotional turmoil of a relationship conflict. But how do you handle relationship conflict when you have kids? And how do you manage the anger and frustration that comes with feeling like your partner isn't keeping their end of the bargain? The answer is by taking steps to proactively address these issues before they become an emotional burden on yourself and others.
Understand that conflict is not a bad thing
Many couples are concerned by the conflicts they experience. However, a little conflict can actually be healthy and productive and absolute conflict avoidance is never good for relationships. When conflict happens within the strong bonds of friendship it is easier to restore connection and stay positive about the future. It is when those bonds are already strained that conflict can be the most destructive.
It’s normal for kids to feel anxious or angry when they witness their parents arguing with each other—especially if it happens frequently! But remember: children often pick up on subtle cues about how relationships function from watching the interactions between their parents and other adults at home or at school. This means that even if your child is witnessing an ongoing pattern of conflict between two adults in his or her life, he or she may still benefit from seeing how these conflicts are handled responsibly by those closest around him/her (i.e., YOU).
Work on friendship building as a priority
The first step in conflict resolution is to get back to the basics of friendship. In order to manage conflict well in your relationship, you need a solid foundation of friendship that's built on trust, respect and affection. As part of this process:
Work on building a strong friendship with your spouse or partner by talking about your relationship and what you like about it.
What is important in a friendship? What can improve it? How can you make changes so that it's better for both of you? Ask your partner how they feel loved and then act in ways that demonstrate you listened to their ideas!
Small things often mean the most when building friendships: saying hello when someone walks into the room; writing notes when one person goes away on business trip; giving compliments freely will all help build intimacy between each other.
Talk in private
It's important to have these conversations in private, with your child or children out of earshot. Children find adults arguing frightening and confusing, so it's best to keep things calm when they're around. It's also easier for you both if there are no distractions—and this is especially true for you, since you're the one who needs to be able to listen with an open mind instead of getting defensive.
If possible, try waiting until your children are asleep before having a conversation about the conflict. Arrange for them to stay with another adult while you two talk things over.
Make sure you're in the right headspace. The more stressed you are the less effective your conflict management becomes.
When you're in the midst of an argument with your partner, it can be difficult to distinguish what's going on with your own body. Are you stressed? Do you need a break? Is something else going on? The more distracted or anxious you are, the harder it is to think straight and manage conflict effectively.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by stress, anxiety or anger during a conflict situation:
Take a ten-minute break from the conversation until both parties are calm enough to discuss again without emotion getting in the way of communication.
Ask your partner if they'd like some time alone while they process everything that happened earlier before coming back together later when both parties feel ready and willing to talk again (i.e., "I'm sorry I got so upset—can we take ten minutes apart so we both have time alone?").
Address your emotional needs before you discuss the issue.
It’s crucial to stay emotionally healthy before addressing the issue. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable when you are at your weakest! Find your own support especially if you have been in conflict for a while. Seek out a trusted friend or engage the support of a therapist to process your difficult emotions. Your kids will see that you value yourself and it will be a good model for them. Know what you find self-soothing and do it on purpose. Look after yourself by eating well and getting some exercise.
If your children do see you arguing let them see you making up too
If your children do see you arguing, let them see you making up too. Find an age-appropriate way of explaining your feelings and intentions to them. If there is a situation where it might be inappropriate for your child to see how much Mummy loves Daddy, then allow them to see you restoring the connection you have as a couple. Even young children can sense when their parents are appreciating and being affectionate with each other. Children learn from watching adults; they need to see adults resolve conflict in a positive manner so they can learn healthy ways of dealing with conflict as they grow older.
If you are having trouble with your partner, get help! It’s important to remember that children are more resilient than we think but if there are ongoing problems within the relationship it will impact their well-being as well as their development over time. Value yourself and them, by getting the right help and support. You are not alone.
Never involve your children in your conflict with your partner
There is one golden rule when it comes to conflict and kids. Never involve your children in your conflict with your partner. Children should never have to choose between their parents. Do not use them as a bargaining chip in an argument, because this will only make them feel guilty and confused about what is going on.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect relationship. If you can focus on showing yourself and your partner kindness this will be a powerful message to your kids who are always watching how your interact. Conflicts will happen and they always time and patience to resolve. The benefit for everyone in being honest and kind is that we live life true to ourselves and I think that is the best model of living any parent can give their child.
To explore wether working with Naomi on your relationship is the right thing for you and your partner, book a free consultation call. It is always a good idea to invest time and energy in your relationship before you find yourself in a crisis.