How To Get Over Being Cheated On

Discovering your partner has had or is having an affair, often deals, a devastating blow, not just to the relationship but also to a person's sense of self and their sense of self-worth. Shock anger and distress, extreme upset and confusion and fear can be a normal part of a reaction to the discovery of an affair. As a therapist specialising in affair recovery, I see these kinds of emotions regularly in my therapy room. The good news is that people can and do survive affairs and come out the other side of the journey of recovery.

How To Get Over An Affair - 6 Tips:

If you are in a difficult experience of discovering an affair then here is some advice for what to do next:

1.  Give Yourself Some Time

Finding out such shutting, shocking news can feel leave you feeling angry and hurt. Seek support from trusted friends, family members or book an appointment with a therapist.

2.  Engage In Calming Self-Soothing Techniques

Engage in calming self-soothing techniques. You will be hit by waves of strong emotions and being able to soothe yourself and regulate your distress is important in the early stages of affair discovery. Learn what it is that brings YOU comfort. Taking a walk, letting out your emotions, writing down your thoughts or cuddling the dog. Whatever it is that works become very clear about these strategies and do them on purpose!

3.  Talk To Your Partner

Although bringing up the affair with your partner may feel more painful than you can bear it's important that it stays on the table. Work through your list of questions so you can assess exactly what has happened. Find somewhere private to talk where you won't be interrupted and give these conversations plenty of time. If you don't feel ready to talk together, you may want to consider relationship therapy where you'll have safe and confidential space to discuss things with a trained professional.

4.  Avoid Cutting In On What Your Partner Is Saying

Let them finish before responding. You will undoubtedly be shocked and upset, but try not to start shouting or rush out of the room.

5.  Insist That Your Partner Tells You The Truth

However painful, recovery after an affair is always made worse if lies are told early on. Ask all the questions you want answers to, and listen carefully to what your partner says. It's okay to ask the same questions over and over again. You need to be satisfied that you have all of the truth before you are able to move on.

6.  Try To Focus On The Facts

For example, you might want to know how long the affair has lasted and what your partner wants to happen now. The most urgent question for many people is ‘why’, but sometimes that's a question that can’t be answered (see article on 7 reasons affairs happen). There is one exception here; you should avoid asking questions about explicit sexual details such as “were they better in bed than me?” This kind of explicit detail can sometimes be harrowing to think about and rarely adds to the healing process.

Avoid lashing out at your partner, the affair partner or even yourself? It may seem tempting to hurl an insult at your partner or get into name calling of the affair partner, but this often gets in the way of true understanding. You should also resist self-blame. You may wonder if your own shortcomings have caused the affair, but while you were both responsible for your relationship, you can never be responsible for your partner's choice. An affair can never be the fault of a faithful partner.

Next, once you've established the facts, if your partner resolves to end the affair and recommit your relationship you'll need to reflect on whether you're able to forgive the breach of trust. You may not yet have all the information with which to make that decision. Only after talking and establishing the reasons for the affair will you be able to decide what the future holds for you and work out how to get over being cheated on. You can however say that you're willing to work with your partner and to try to understand why this has happened. At this point you may find it helpful to talk to a therapist who can work with both of you to determine your next steps.

There are many reasons for affairs and they happen in happy relationships, as well as those where they have been problems. Providing yourself with love, acceptance, support, and soothing and leaning on the friends, family and professionals around you will help you get through this difficult period.

To book a confidential conversation with one of our therapists follow this link.