Shared Principles Keep Connection Strong
On our wedding day, amongst the other vows Nick and I prepared to say to each other was: “I promise to laugh with you.” Twenty years on, we still laugh together every single day.
Along the way, there have certainly been times where ‘normal marital hatred’ (a favourite Terry Real quote of mine!) has been a characteristic of our connection, and laughter was completely absent. But at our best, we look for the laughable in our lives so we can giggle about it together.
We truly value laughter in our marriage.
One of my brilliant teachers, a neuroscientist called Stan Tatkin, has developed a fascinating concept he calls 'Principles of Governance' (PoG). It’s all about how we, as couples, consciously organise our lives together and live up to the expectations we create for each other.
When our expectations don't quite match up with our needs and desires, it often means our values are out of alignment. Stan insists that making conscious agreements as a couple gives us a set of ‘guiderails’ that enable us to ‘do the right thing when the right thing is the hardest thing to do.’ It’s a powerful idea, isn’t it?
What do you mean ‘governance?’
Now, ‘Principles of Governance’ might sound a little formal for something as organic and beautiful as love. But let’s think about it this way: As human beings, we’re often driven by automatic, energy-saving patterns. We take mental shortcuts. While super-efficient for daily tasks, this can inadvertently lead to issues like boredom, loneliness, neglect, and insensitivity in our most intimate relationships if we’re not actively managing things. Many couples, Stan notes, come to therapy precisely because they haven’t established any shared purpose, vision, or principles for how they’ll actually govern their relationship.
Without these clear, explicit agreements, how do we navigate the inevitable bumps in the road? How do we manage differences or disagreements without inadvertently making each other feel unsafe or insecure? When we’re stressed, tired, or triggered, our default settings might kick in, leading us to prioritise feeling good in the moment over acting in a way that’s truly good for the relationship as a whole. This is exactly why those unspoken assumptions, those "I thought you knew" moments, can become so incredibly damaging.
Will a list of shared values really help us?
Principles of Governance are more than just a list of values that matter to you. Knowing what you value is often a great place to start from.
Your unique list of PoG will sound like a set of promises that you both willingly sign up to that represent the best of your loving selves in mutual support and protection. They will read like the vows you made on your wedding day; if you happen to be married.
Drawing up PoG is an exercise I take couples through in therapy, but I have made a worksheet for you and your partner to follow together.
Consider these questions to get started with crafting your own PoG:
What are the relationship principles that help us be our best selves as partners?
In what ways do we protect each other?
In what ways do we care for each other?
How can our agreements help us to overcome barriers to connection?
This journey of understanding and articulating your shared principles is incredibly rewarding. To help you work through the exercise I use with couples, I've developed a Shared Principles Worksheet. Find your copy and start connecting on an even deeper level.
With love and empowerment,
