Is Couples Therapy Right for Us? A Simple Guide to Finding the Right Help
Your Questions Answered
“Friends of ours have been to couples therapy and I am considering finding a therapist for us. How do I go about it?”
Navigating the world of couples therapy can feel overwhelming. A bit like trying to assemble flat-pack furniture without the instructions. I get it. Last year, I was searching for a therapist for my own marriage, and it reminded me just how tricky it can be to find a comfortable fit. So, I decided to put together this guide to help you navigate the process.
My husband, Nick, and I are currently seeing a wonderful therapist named Julie. She's incredibly patient and supportive as we work on our communication, problem-solving, and connection. Fun fact: we discovered in our first session that Julie is actually supervised by Jenny, our amazing therapist from eight years ago! Talk about a happy coincidence!
Why Consider Couples Therapy?
If you're reading this, you're likely thinking about couples therapy, and that takes courage. It's totally normal to feel a jumble of emotions—hope, hesitation, confusion—perhaps all at once! But here's the thing: most couples wait an average of six years after problems start before seeking professional help. You've probably already tried to fix things on your own, but sometimes, an outside perspective can make all the difference.
Think of it like this: you've been driving around in circles trying to find your destination, and a therapist is like the sat nav that finally gets you back on track. Of course, therapy isn't a magic wand. It takes effort, vulnerability, and a genuine desire to make things better. It's about showing up for yourselves and each other, even when it's tough. The statistics say couples therapy has a 60-80%* success rate for those who fully participate and commit to the process.
Therapy, Counselling, or Coaching: What's the Difference?
You might hear terms like "marriage counselling," "couples therapy," and "relationship coaching" and wonder what the difference is:
Marriage counselling/couples Therapy: These are basically the same thing. You'll work with a registered therapist to tackle challenges and strengthen your bond.
Relationship Coaching: This is less about deep-seated issues and more about learning practical skills and strategies to improve your relationship.
If you're looking for a deeper dive into your relationship dynamics, a skilled couples therapist is probably the best choice.
Will the Therapist Take Sides?
It's a common misconception that therapists should remain completely neutral. But the truth is, you want a therapist who can offer their expertise and insights, even if that means challenging one or both of you at times. The key is that they focus on the couple dynamic, not just on individual perspectives.
The Cost of Couples Therapy: An Investment in Your Relationship
Yes, couples therapy can be expensive. But think of it as an investment in your relationship, returning yearly for the rest of your lives.
As for how many sessions you'll need, it varies depending on your situation. A good rule of thumb is to plan for at least 16 sessions, especially if you're dealing with significant challenges.
You'll also need to decide whether you prefer online or in-person therapy. Both have their pros and cons, so choose what works best for you and your partner.
Values and Specialisation
Don't hesitate to ask about a therapist's values and experience. Are they LGBTQ+-affirming? Do they have experience working with specific issues like infidelity or blended families? Finding a therapist who aligns with your values and needs is essential.
Choosing the Right Therapist
Finding the right therapist is vital. Be selective even if it takes longer to get matched. You are looking for someone who can create psychological safety quickly (not feeling judged or fearing criticism). But also something more; someone who inspires confidence, someone you can relax and be yourself with or a meaningful rapport with someone you appreciate. Here are my tips for your therapist search:
Ask for recommendations: You will have an instant trust factor with someone who has been recommended by a friend.
Check online directories: These are the best UK ones:
Read reviews and testimonials: See what other couples have to say about their experiences with different therapists.
Schedule a few consultations: Most therapists offer a free initial consultation to discuss your needs and see if it's a good fit.
Trust your gut: Choose a therapist who you feel comfortable with and who you believe can help you achieve your goals.
Preparing for Couples Therapy
Once you've chosen a therapist, it's helpful to prepare for your sessions to get the most out of them. Here are some things you can do:
Identify your goals: What do you hope to achieve in therapy? Where would you like to be in 6 months time?
Reflect on your relationship patterns: What are the recurring challenges you face? Is there a particular point where you get stuck?
Communicate with your partner: Discuss your expectations and concerns about therapy together. Allow them to have different thoughts to you.
Be open and honest: Tell your truth as transparently as you can. It may be the first time your partner has heard this from you so be gentle with yourself.
Commit to the process: Therapy takes time and effort and typically involves highs as well as lows. Playing the long game will result in sustainable change.
Embracing the Journey
Couples therapy is not just about fixing problems; it's also about growth and self-discovery. It's a chance to learn more about yourself, your partner, and your relationship dynamics. By working with a therapist, you can gain valuable insights, develop new communication skills, and strengthen your emotional bond. So, if you're ready to embark on a journey of personal and relationship growth, couples therapy is a great place to start.
Alternatives to Couples Therapy
If you're not quite ready for therapy, consider taking a couples workshop, reading relationship books, or exploring online resources. These can be great ways to start improving your communication and connection.
I hope this guide helps you navigate the search for a couples therapist and empowers you to take the next step in strengthening your relationship. As always, feel free to reach out if you have any questions or want to share your experiences.
Warmly,
