A January Reboot for your Relationship
I am so passionate about deep, healthy relationships. It is more than just my job it is my life calling.
The desire to change the world one deepening relationship at a time gets me out of bed in the mornings.
This month, I am focusing on setting intentions for connection and growth. It's something I talk about a lot with the couples I see in my therapy practice. You see, relationships are like gardens - they need tending, nurturing, and a bit of conscious effort to thrive. I have this mini garden on my desk:
I want my terranium to thrive. It might sound like a simple thing to say but setting intentions for your relationship to grow is the place that healthy change starts from. To adapt the quote attributed to Zig Ziglar "You don't have to be great at deep connection to start, but you have to start deep connection to be great"
Moving Beyond Surface-Level Issues
A couple of years ago I worked with a separated couple, lets call them David and Olivia, whose relationship had spiralled into decline over his long military postings and the pressure of their daughter’s first year.
On the surface, their complaints were clear:
Olivia felt like she was already a single parent, saying, "I don’t feel like a family because you spend so long away from us, but I can’t ask you to change your career. I feel my only option is to become the single parent I already am."
David, on the other hand, felt excluded, explaining, "The difficulty of being away wouldn’t be nearly as bad if we could connect when I am home, but I don’t feel you make room for me in your life. I feel like a spare part."
It was a painful and seemingly intractable dilemma. How could they reconcile these conflicting needs?
But Olivia and David were resilient and their conflict became an opportunity to look below the surface at the deeper issues.
As we explored Olivia's history, we discovered that her father had left when she was young, leaving her with significant responsibility for her mother and siblings. Unconsciously, she had projected this past experience onto David, casting him in the role of the absent father whenever he was away on his postings. This was the last thing either of them wanted, yet this powerful, unconscious "distrust" was preventing her from truly letting him in.
This realization was a turning point.
⚡ It wasn't just about the time David spent away; it was about the old wound that Olivia was carrying.
⚡ It was about the fear that history would repeat itself, that she would be abandoned again.
In a powerful moment of vulnerability, I guided them to look into each other's eyes and speak these words: "I am learning how to trust you. I am learning that you will not let me down like others have."
Their disconnection over David's time away was a symptom of a much deeper issue. Olivia had learned, through painful experience, that loved ones couldn't be trusted. By addressing this core wound, they were able to begin rebuilding their relationship on a foundation of trust and understanding.
Embracing Vulnerability and Honesty
Setting intentions for connection and growth requires honesty and vulnerability. It’s about being willing to share fears, insecurities, and desires with our partner, even when it feels scary. We worry that if our partner truly knew us – flaws and all – they might love us less.
But the opposite is actually true.
Vulnerability is the key that unlocks deeper intimacy and trust.
As Brené Brown so eloquently puts it: “Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy”
This resonates deeply with the work I do with couples. I'm reminded of Kate (not her real name), who came to me after a year of separation and the painful discovery of her husband's infidelity. Understandably, she was grappling with deep feelings of unworthiness and fear. Yet, amidst the pain, she made a powerful declaration of intention: to believe in her own worthiness and to open her heart to the possibility of finding love again—a love that offered security and tenderness.
Kate’s journey was a testament to the power of self-love and the courage to be vulnerable. It wasn't easy. There were tears, setbacks, and moments of doubt. But through her commitment to her own healing, she began to create space for a healthier, more fulfilling relationship in the future.
This is the essence of powerful relationship work: it begins with the relationship we have with ourselves. Before we can truly connect with another, we must first connect with our own hearts, acknowledge our vulnerabilities, and embrace our imperfections.
💡 This brings me to a question for you:
What intention could you set today that would open your heart a little wider?
This intention could be for yourself, for your relationship, or both. It could be as simple as committing to speak your truth more often, to practice greater self-compassion, or to actively listen to your partner with an open heart.
To help you further explore setting intentions for connection and growth in your relationship, consider these questions:
What are the core values that guide our relationship? What truly matters to us as a couple?
What are our individual and shared dreams for the future? Where do we see ourselves going, both separately and together?
How do we want to feel in our relationship? What emotions do we want to cultivate? (e.g., joy, security, intimacy, playfulness)
What small, concrete steps can we take each day to nurture connection and deepen intimacy?
Remember, setting intentions is not a one-time event; it’s an ongoing process. It requires regular check-ins, open communication, and a willingness to adapt as you and your relationship evolve. Approach this journey with openness, curiosity, and a shared commitment to growth.
Further Resources:
