After observing couples interacting in their love lab, doctors John and Julie Gottman devised the theory of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse to describe disrespectful interactions. They noticed that when couples argued or engaged in disrespect, there were four features characteristic of their behaviour. These features became the Four Horsemen taken from the biblical metaphor of the end of the world. Although this might seem a bit dramatic from the outside, John Gottman was able to prove the effectiveness of his theory in predicting divorce years in advance. Through research, he showed a 93% accuracy in divorce prediction up to 13 years in advance. Disrespectful communication really is the beginning of the end in terms of relationship.

The Gottman’s Four Horsemen are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Let’s look at these four features and ways in which we can switch disrespectful behaviour for loving communication.

Criticism

Criticism may be criticising your partner's behaviour, their character, their physical features, or their other relationships. Criticism is always received as an attack by the other partner. Excessive use of criticism in relationships can point to one or both partners' lack of connection, failure to meet personal needs, and an overall negativity about the future of the relationship.

Contempt

Contempt is the second horseman. This kind of behaviour assumes a morally superior position and may critique a partner using mocking or sarcasm. Contempt is often fuelled by unaddressed negative feelings towards a partner. 

Defensiveness

The third Horseman is defensiveness, which can often be a response to criticism. Being defensive involves finding excuses for behaviour, or trying to reallocate blame. A counter-criticism and counter-defence interaction may develop, becoming increasingly vengeful and disrespectful.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling is the final horseman. This is normally a response to contempt. In stonewalling, a partner will completely shut down and tune out during the conversation. Stonewalling is the result of psychological flooding, or stress, in the body. A partner may go quiet, seem to collapse physically, leave the room, or get very upset - even inconsolable.

Don’t be discouraged if the list seems depressing. Knowing the antidotes to the four horsemen means you’ll be better prepared to respond proactively if you spot any of them in your relationship.

How to combat the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!! 

Start with “I”

Instead of criticizing your partner, address your complaints with them using a gentle startup. Begin your sentences with “I” statements. Talk about how you feel, what you experience and what you need from your partner. Be honest about how you feel, but do not project blame or make judgments about your partner. This is right back to criticism. Using “I” statements opens up the opportunity for your partner to identify your needs and work to meet them. The communication should be gentle enough so that your partner can choose a loving response.

Affirmation

The antidote for contempt is affirming the qualities that you like in your partner, practicing gratitude, and noticing qualities your partner has that you enjoy. As with the antidote to criticism, focus on describing your own feelings and needs. Avoid a negative focus on your partner's perceived lack through loving and affirming interaction with them. 

Acceptance

When countering defensiveness, try to take responsibility and accept your partner's opinion, even if you do not agree fully with their perspective. Find something that you can validate by understanding how they've arrived at their conclusions or experiences. If you can apologise for anything, do so sincerely and without any other agendas Moving to focus on positive traits of the relationship and shared meaning will drastically lessen defensiveness in relationships. 

Stonewalling

The only way to combat stonewalling is to identify psychological flooding, and practice self-soothing techniques. Know when your partner has reached a state of overwhelm, and regularly suggest taking timeout from very difficult conversations. Connecting with the body through relaxation and deep breathing is the fastest way to soothe dysregulated emotions. Always come back to the topic of conversation when you feel you can talk rationally and kindly.

The Gottman method is one of if not the most research-based methodology for couples therapy. The combined experience of the Gottman’s has informed this theory and has led to an extremely effective methodology. Many trials have been conducted that endorse the efficacy of the theory.

Ready for change?

Are you ready to beat the four horseman of your relationship apocalypse? If you think using the Gottman method I’ve described could help your relationship, book a consultation here.