Finding yourself stuck in repeating cycles of conflict is a common experience for couples. The more frustrating you find the conversation the more you are likely to dig into a defensive position and throw attack grenades at your partner from a safe emotional distance. But the way to improve the situation is not to avoid the conflict but have better fights!

The keys are found in reducing disrespectful communication AKA criticism and contempt and switching to more connection-enhancing conflict tactics. In this article we suggest the skills you are going to want to practice using with your partner.

How do you take a conflict discussion from criticism and contempt to compromise?

Here are our top tips:

• Ask for what you need positively. “I need some physical closeness right now” works much better than “I need you to stop being so distant” which is a critical statement disguised as a need.

• Communicate your thoughts and feelings using "I" statements. 

• Listen to your partner's point of view with empathy, respect, and openness. This means not interrupting or debating when they're talking; just listen carefully to what they're saying—and don't roll your eyes! 

• Try paraphrasing what they've said so that both of you understand each other clearly (and if there's something negative about yourself in their description of the situation, acknowledge it).

• Take responsibility for your part of the difficulty and make a commitment to protect the relationship from the same difficulty in future.

First, invest in your friendship as a couple. Have protected time for connection away from the conflicts.

To begin, you must establish a foundation of friendship. This is not the same as a friendship with your spouse—this is a friendship within the marriage. You may be surprised at how much easier it is to resolve conflicts when there's love and respect between two people in the first place. Consider taking up activities together that help you connect and get to know one another better: hiking, biking, or playing board games with friends after work all count!

Once you have an established foundation for loving one another as friends, it's time for the next step: protecting this time from stressors like work and parenting responsibilities outside of your relationship. It might seem impossible if both partners have full-time jobs or are parents themselves; however, finding even just 30 minutes per week can allow for some much needed space away from the daily routine.

Problem-solving in relationships will be easier when you have good listening skills and self-control during arguments.

Many couples assume that arguments should always try to reach agreement. They fight to get their partner to see it from their point of view. However, the real measure of good conflict is if it leads to better understanding.

Suspend your judgement and resist constructing your own argument instead of listening to your partner. See things from their point of view. Be curious about the way their world works, what's important for them, how they think and feel about a situation or topic?

Listening is key here because it helps you understand your spouse more deeply, build trust with them, connect emotionally with them and even learn something new about them! In addition, it also helps both parties calm down since communication becomes much more effective when people are calmer (and listening helps us become calmer).

Couples can learn tools that make it easier to discuss difficult issues and find compromises.

• Listening skills. Couples can learn tools that make it easier to discuss difficult issues and find compromises.

• Self-control. Some conflicts are beyond your control, but you can control how you respond to those situations. Learn techniques for controlling your anger when facing a difficult situation or person, such as deep breathing or counting to 10 before speaking out loud.

• Problem-solving skills. When a problem arises in your relationship, analyze each side of the issue before making any decisions that could have long-term consequences on your relationship with your partner or other family members (or even friends).
  

What is the Gottman Method?

The Gottman Method is a couples therapy approach that focuses on building trust and friendship, and increasing intimacy. The Gottman Method teaches couples how to resolve conflicts in a healthy way and repair their relationship after conflict.

The Gottman Method helps couples learn the basics of how their partner thinks and feels, what makes them anxious or sad, what they want out of life, etc. By understanding these things about your partner you can better communicate with them when something upsetting happens in your relationship or if there's something important that you need from your partner (e.g., spending more time together).

You can find out more about the Gottman Resources and video courses here. You may also want to read my blogs about the Gottman tools and methods I use as a therapist.